Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time for a chat with your manager after he discovers you’re having your work mail delivered to the office toilets.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)?
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Actually, hang on, I think it might be dead.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)?
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fair…” “Tom Hardy” “Wait, what?” “I’m a gay mirror. Did the guy in Ikea not tell you?”

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)?
This weekend you go to the Michael Eavis restaurant. He presents you with a £250 bill and when you say you haven’t ordered yet, you’re told you’ll get what you’re given.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)?
Dear Mr Bugg, to ‘walk into the path of a lightning bolt’ would require a walking pace in excess of 224,000mph. So chinny fucking reckon, frankly.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trying to work out what Kanye West could do to warrant his ego, the only answer you can think of is ‘Ridding the world of Kanye West’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)?
Calamitous haircut. Absolutely fucking calamitous.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Hanging around the back of a Henry VIII-themed concert, you notice Anne Boleyn unable to get inside. No head, no backstage pass.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)?
You reckon you could trust George Galloway as far as you could throw him but you’d prefer to make sure through empirical evidence.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)?
Withdraw any money you have in a Scottish bank. They’ll only spend it on vodka.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
?Whenever you walk into a room you light it up. It’s a total pain in the arse.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
?The reason your home-made hummus tastes revolting is that it’s not meant to be made with chick pee.