Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time for a chat with your manager after he discovers you’re having your work mail delivered to the office toilets.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)?
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Actually, hang on, I think it might be dead.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)?
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fair…” “Tom Hardy” “Wait, what?” “I’m a gay mirror. Did the guy in Ikea not tell you?”

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)?
This weekend you go to the Michael Eavis restaurant. He presents you with a £250 bill and when you say you haven’t ordered yet, you’re told you’ll get what you’re given.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)?
Dear Mr Bugg, to ‘walk into the path of a lightning bolt’ would require a walking pace in excess of 224,000mph. So chinny fucking reckon, frankly.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trying to work out what Kanye West could do to warrant his ego, the only answer you can think of is ‘Ridding the world of Kanye West’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)?
Calamitous haircut. Absolutely fucking calamitous.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Hanging around the back of a Henry VIII-themed concert, you notice Anne Boleyn unable to get inside. No head, no backstage pass.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)?
You reckon you could trust George Galloway as far as you could throw him but you’d prefer to make sure through empirical evidence.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)?
Withdraw any money you have in a Scottish bank. They’ll only spend it on vodka.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
?Whenever you walk into a room you light it up. It’s a total pain in the arse.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
?The reason your home-made hummus tastes revolting is that it’s not meant to be made with chick pee.


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Pretty much everything a threat to global security

SCOTTISH independence, ISIS, the Ebola virus and the performance of Chetna on The Great British Bake-Off are all significant risks to global security.

Experts believe the world is currently balanced on such a knife-edge that the slightest incident, such as a driver at some Uxbridge traffic lights not realising they changed six seconds ago, could tip us over into unimaginable chaos.

Historian Dr Mary Fisher said: “Nobody gave a flat fuck about Archduke Franz Ferdinand back in 1914, but for some reason his shooting sparked unprecedented intercontinental bloodshed for four straight years.

“Right now, it wouldn’t even take anything that big. A sparrow landing on the wrong twig, a builder’s tea having one too few sugars, a minor argument about hair wax between the members of One Direction.

“And once it’s happened that’s it. The riots, slaughter and cannibalism will spread out from that epicentre and consume all in its path.”

President Barack Obama has raised the global terror level to Infra Black and deployed experts to stroke the Earth and soothe it.

He added: “Until further notice, everyone in the entire world must remain completely still and not do anything at all.”