We ask you: who will be the winner of 2024's Trump-Biden rematch?

DONALD Trump has all but clinched the Republican presidential nomination, because that’s America. Who will win the forthcoming geriatric rematch? 

Steve Malley, building inspector: “As a parent of toddlers, let Trump have it because otherwise he’ll never stop f**king whining. I ended up scraping the car last month because I said no to biscuits.”

Bill McKay, circuit judge: “How about we let Biden win, but when he inevitably dies in office the presidency goes straight to Trump?”

Franny Johnson, retail manager: “It’ll be the end of American democracy if Trump’s elected, but they’ve only ever had democracy. They deserve the chance to give dictatorship a try and see if they’re into it.”

Ryan Whittaker, vegan: “Remember the tagline for Alien vs Predator: ‘Whoever wins, we lose’? This is like that: an overhyped load of shit.”

Hannah Tomlinson, broadband installer: “Trump to win the election, but Biden to stage an absolutely masterful insurrection that blows his half-assed amateur effort away.”

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Don't spend your 2p all at once, winks Hunt

JEREMY Hunt has playfully tousled your hair and warmly told you not to spend all your 2p savings at once.

Sitting the nation on his lap like a kindly grandfather handing out Werther’s Originals, the Chancellor has sagely advised you not to fritter away your National Insurance cut on sweet cigarettes or marbles.

Hunt said: “It’s tempting to blow your new-found fortune on frivolities, but that two pence could go towards something more sensible like a house deposit.

“Maybe use your 2p to treat yourself to a slap-up meal out this evening to celebrate the budget, just don’t make it a habit. Set aside at least half of it for bills and emergencies. Interest rates are still pretty high, after all.

“I know it’ll be hard to show restraint with two pence burning a hole in your pocket. You’ll likely want to hit the town or go on that round the world trip you’ve always been dreaming of. Personally I’m resisting buying a couple of Ferraris.

“We’re still in a recession though, remember. It doesn’t feel like it thanks to the featherbed I’ve just handed you, but in reality even the basics are out of reach for most people. All thanks to Labour, of course.

“Anyway, get off with you, you scamps. Just don’t forget my immense generosity when the election rolls around.”