£150 hairdos, and other ways the cost of living crisis hits women harder

WITH only millionaires able to afford petrol and Lurpak more expensive than a coke habit, the cost of living crisis is here to stay. But one group is being hit particularly hard: women. Here’s how…

£150 haircuts

Men go to a barber’s where they get a trim in awkward silence with change out of a tenner. No such luck for females. No man truly knows what goes on in the hair salon every few weeks, but it costs a f**king fortune. Women tell of mythical ‘layers’, ‘toners’, ‘full head colours’ and ‘Brazilian blow dries’ which magically cost the same as a weekly shop for a family of four. 

Drinking cocktails

When you’re skint it makes sense to cut out unnecessary boozing. Have a couple of pints of tap water a day, or to save on your water bill, scoop it out of a puddle. Women’s taste for cocktails, fizz and spirits really isn’t appropriate right now. Especially if you’ve only gone to the bar so you don’t have to heat the house. 

Buying passive-aggressive gifts

If a woman’s friend, sister-in-law or whoever gets them a shitty present, they get a much better one in return. This doesn’t make sense to men, but it apparently shows up their meanness and teaches a lesson in generosity. So a crap gift like perfume off the market means they get proper jewellery and an expensive meal. Illogical, but as women will assure you, ‘That’ll show them!’ and it’s best not to argue.

They must be warm at all times

Women’s advice to ‘put a jumper on’ has come back to haunt them. In truth they love warmth like reptiles and have near-sexual fantasies about snug living rooms. Really they should reduce energy bills by putting on several layers, jogging in a pitch-black room to keep warm, then going straight to bed to read Grazia by candlelight. Luckily there’s another way to save money – cancelling Sky Sports packages.

Maintaining their looks

Men find it incredible how much women spend on make-up and personal care – but equally don’t want to be faced with a female population denied these essentials. Most men don’t wear make-up, shower religiously or shave their body hair. Now imagine smelly, hairy women who haven’t raised their attractiveness by at least two points with make-up. There’s clearly potential for men to start a campaign for a price cap on lip gloss and Veet strips.

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BBC hoping no one's noticed it's repeating itself

THE BBC is hoping no viewers have realised its Royal coverage has been the same 25 minutes of content repeated endlessly for the past six days.

Having run out of things to say about Her Majesty roughly 45 minutes after her death, BBC News was faced with the problem of how to fill the next 300 hours of blanket coverage.

Head of BBC Royal Programming Tom Logan said: “Once we’d done the basic bits about service, corgis, paying respects and her learning to drive a truck in the war, we were struggling a bit.

“The trouble is, the secret of her success was that she never actually said anything about anything. Which is one way of staying out trouble but a bugger when you’re trying to get any sense of what she was actually like.

“We were down to an anecdote about her admiring a carpet on a visit to a Job Centre in Northallerton. Apparently she said ‘That’s nice’. That’s when I realised we were f**ked. 

“We’ve started looping exactly the same content. Service, corgis, paying respects and her learning to drive a truck in the war. We were concerned that viewers might wonder how or why Nicholas Witchell apparently hasn’t taken a toilet break since September 8th, or eaten, slept or changed clothes.

“Fortunately, we’ve had no complaints yet. Thank Christ everyone’s watching Netflix or down the pub or we’d be shafted.”