Friday, 4th December 2020

'3am in the morning' and other turns of phrase that make you clench your fists

EVER get the red mist just because someone – perhaps even someone you love – has used a phrase that seems a legitimate reason to kill? Like these? 

3am in the morning

‘AM’ means ‘in the morning’, cockwad. Saying them both is like asking ‘would you like some gravy meat sauce on that chop’ or ‘are you seriously smoking a cannabis drugs spliff before work?’ For f**k’s sake just choose one.

Just sayin’

This is up there with ‘no offence but…’ in somehow legitimising the spray of twattish bullshit from your worthless mouth. Everyone knew you were ‘just saying’, Nicola, nobody thought your plan to mine the English channel would immediately become law. Do the British thing and keep your judgments locked up in your head.

Could you pop in your pin number for me?

Who else would I be doing it for? I’m the only person in the shop, my card is in the machine, I’m talking to you and only you. Save your breath.

Boys will be boys

Used to excuse anything from your son being a school bully to your husband getting a 10,000th visit certificate from a local lap-dancing club. What you’re actually admitting the blokes in your life are pieces of shit and you should really address that.

Literally

There’s literally nothing like the overuse of the word literally to literally make people want to literally headbutt you. Most people got over this habit by the millenium. And it’s no less offensive when used ironically.

It is what it is

Well that’s a completely bollocking redundant thing to say, no thank you for your great insight. It’s up there with its dear friends ‘we are where we are’ and ‘that’s it isn’t it?’ Reply with ‘conversational redundancies are conversationally redundant.’ Or just hit them.