WORKING from home doesn’t mean abandoning years of interdesk warfare with colleagues. Here’s how to f**k shit up remotely:
Share an office playlist
Fancy yourself as both inspirational teambuilder and DJ? A 266-song Spotify playlist called ‘Mel’s Hard Work Mix!’ which you insist everyone use will build hate, and dominating meetings by being offended nobody liked Roxette will have everyone muting your window on Teams.
Repulse people with your food
Sadly the malodorous tang of your smoked fish lunch or breakfast burrito is for you alone, but still make everyone watch and hear you eat. Crisps for phone calls and meat to suck off the bone for afternoon meetings.
Suggest you all meet up
When separated it’s easy for teams to feel disconnected. Which is the optimal outcome for a normal office worker – and if you suggest an end to this cosy new reality by meeting up for ‘a Rule of Six-friendly beer’, or even Zoom drinks they’ll sincerely hate you for it.
The line between home and work has been forever blurred, so why not air dirty washing in public during your next video call, fully visible on the drying rack next to you? Also, shout incomprehensible things like ‘Well turn off the summon mob generator’s repeat loop then Ashley!’ to unseen kids.
Really care about your work
The nation is low on energy and hope, so the most annoying gifts you can give are positivity and enthusiasm. Schedule early calls and start late email chains. Propose whole new projects. The more you give your all, the less anyone will be able to stand you.