Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Five reasons why Batman movies can f**k off 

ANOTHER Batman film is on the way, as if we hadn’t had our fill of the moody pointy-eared bastard. Here’s why he should be given a rest:

He’s a miserable sod

Batman is relentlessly gloomy and tortured, despite leading an extremely exciting lifestyle, owning a really nice house and shagging Catwoman. The ungrateful shit should spend 12 years working in an insurance office in Swindon for £22k and see how he likes it.

Dark, deep, adult stuff does not fit well with Batman

There’s a big problem with the ‘deep’ moral and political themes of recent Batman movies – he’s a grown man who dresses as a bat. The Ben Affleck incarnation even has a tedious mid-life crisis element, so expect to see him squeezing into skinny Bat-jeans soon.

He doesn’t use guns 

The 1940s Batman did, and there have been exceptions recently, but Batman could rip through Gotham’s underworld if he got some guns and dispensed with all that time-consuming punching. That would leave him loads of time to cheer up by chilling with Friends and getting a proper social life.

Batman’s enemies lack common sense

Batman’s enemies are fiendishly clever and near-indestructible. So why are Joker, Bane and Riddler constantly pissing around with odd plots to inconvenience the residents of Gotham City? There’s a much easier way to be a ruthless crime lord, and it’s called ‘drugs’. Or don’t even bother with crime and use your impressive skill sets to set up a rival to Amazon.  

You’re going to watch them anyway

Even if you’re bored shitless with Batman, you WILL end up watching the latest one, feeling no emotion about the 25th take on the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents. Because the only other option is another disappointing Star Wars film flogging a different franchise to death.