Are you shit at being a man?

HAVE you never quite got the hang of man stuff? Here are some common masculinity problems and how you can address them in your weak, effeminate way.

You hate confrontation

The thought of getting into an argument at work makes you sick with fear. To be honest, you suspect you might cry if your dentist criticises your flossing too harshly.

Solution: People who thrive on confrontation live in a permanent state of conflict. Every meal has something to complain about, every co-worker is incompetent, and so on. Emulate these bellends. It may result in a coronary aged 55, but you’ll be remembered as a man who wasn’t afraid of confrontation. Or a massive pain in the arse.

You’ve never killed anyone 

This feels very much like something a real man ought to have done. (In a just way, like in a Western, not accidentally driving into a bus queue.) 

Solution: Apart from joining the army (see below) there’s not much you can do. You could become a vigilante like Charles Bronson, but if you live in a picturesque village in Wiltshire there may be a shortage of lowlife street punks.  

You’re physically weak

A constant source of worry. Not only do you not live up to male stereotypes, you’re unable to defend yourself if physically threatened. 

Solution: Take up bodybuilding. The only problem is, once you’re ripped you need to make the effort worth it by asserting your physical dominance over other men by starting fights. It’s just bad luck for the weedy student in the kebab shop whose head you had to kick in.

You can’t do sex like in Hollywood films

Your lovemaking is not a two-hour extreme workout, causing your partner to reach ever-higher levels of ecstasy until she screams uncontrollably. 

Solution: Sorry, but that’s just an average, run-of-the-mill shag for real men. Your only option is to buy a spray off the internet that makes your penis numb and hope your knob doesn’t turn blue and fall off.

You’re not an alpha male businessman 

The mark of a successful man is business cliches. You need to wear a Rolex, say things like ‘We’re playing with the big boys now’ and do business deals on a yacht with a woman in a bikini nearby. The most dynamic thing about your job is occasional free biscuits.

Solution: Get a job that requires you to wear a suit, then just pretend you’re Gordon f**king Gekko. Every deluded sales tosser and middle-management nobody does it.

You’ve never been in the army 

Growing up male is basically being indoctrinated to join the army, with Action Man, war films, Andy McNab books and a billion other pieces of propaganda. Even if you’re not desperate to be cannon fodder, you should want to join the RAF.

Solution: Join up. You can be surprisingly old (anything under 50) if you’re physically fit. However there are still many obstacles, such as upending your entire life and cowardice. Luckily, if you’re unable to join the army for whatever reason, there are socially acceptable ways to channel your military fetishism, such as collecting books about the Nazis and samurai swords. Probably best to stick with that.

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Smoky bacon crisps, and other snacks that taste f**k all like they claim to

GOT a craving for roast beef, crispy bacon or a Thai curry? Prepare to be let down by these snacks whose descriptions are flagrantly taking the piss.

Smoky bacon crisps. Fancy some tasty bacon but can’t be arsed to put the grill on? These salty slivers are far from unpleasant, it’s just worrying you can’t quite place what they taste of. Pig juice? Chemicals? Barbecued spunk? However it’s definitely not rashers of delicious grilled Danish. 

Roast beef Monster Munch. The packaging promises the moon on a stick: ‘chunks of roasted beef’ sounds like Sunday dinner in a bag, which they would be if roast beef consisted of yeast extract and dust. Luckily there are only ever six of the curiously misshapen things in the f**king packet, so your crushing disappointment will be over quickly.

Thai curry Super Noodles. Thai curries are an intoxicating blend of exotic spices like lemon grass, chilli and galangal. These taste of f**k all, and the only stab at authenticity is chucking in a bit of curry powder in and hoping for the best. However if you’re eating this shit it’s because you’ve come home pissed at 2am when the kebab shop had shut, so you’ll barely notice before falling asleep on the sofa with half of them down your shirt.

Prawn cocktail Skips. There’s tomato paste in Marie Rose sauce, so a bit of powdered tomato extract should do the trick, thought KP’s scientists. Strangely, the tapioca starch discs still don’t taste like prawns. However eating real shellfish that have been in a bag for 18 months would give you a violent dose of the green apple splatters, so it’s just as well.

Anything ‘BBQ’. Hula Hoops, Wotsits, Mini Cheddars – all things you would never put on a barbecue, unless you’re insane or a TikTok cook. They’re taking the piss so much they can’t even be arsed to spell it properly. Instead of ‘BBQ’ they could just be honest and call them ‘Vague taste of dried Marmite flavour’. It’s not exactly ruining the illusion that you’re eating prime burger at a delightful summer barbecue.

Vegan pork scratchings. Invented to plug the unfathomable gap in the market created by vegans who want to pretend they’re eating meat products while lying to themselves that they don’t like it. Given that actual pork scratchings are pretty unpleasant to begin with, it should come as no surprise that these taste of deep-fried cardboard.