The man's guide to leaving a woman sexually unsatisfied

LEAVING a woman unsatisfied in the bedroom is a skill that comes naturally to some men. But if you’re still struggling to unfulfil her desires, use these tried-and-tested techniques.

Skip foreplay

It’s rare for a woman to come from foreplay alone, so what’s the point? Lingering kisses, a gentle caress of the neck, the odd nibble of the ear, these are the sexual equivalent of trailers before the film you actually came to see gets started, so don’t waste your time on them. You’ve got five whole minutes of underwhelming shagging to get down to.

Use un-dirty talk

Pre-lovemaking sexts and hushed dirty talk during intercourse are a fantastic way to build arousal. So to leave a woman unsatisfied, try the opposite. A detailed rundown of your boring day in the office should dramatically diminish her libido, but if things somehow continue to escalate, try sighing and muttering ‘Right, let’s get it over with’ as you put your head between her legs.

Neglect the clitoris

Many of you are already doing this, but it’s important to remember the basics. As the most sensitive erogenous zone of the female body, it’s critical that you pretend not to be able to find the clitoris, or clumsily fumble around in the general area before giving up altogether. You gave it a good shot, didn’t pan out, end of.

Get into a routine

Spontaneity and experimentation are your enemy if you want to leave a woman unsatisfied. Instead, sex should be scheduled months in advance like a dentist’s appointment and conducted with robotic efficiency. Handing her a minute-by-minute itinerary of the evening’s bedroom activities beforehand is good. Especially because her orgasm doesn’t appear on it.

Don’t make her come

Not even once. Twice is just a made-up thing in films anyway. Getting her close is fine, but remember to kill the mood at the last minute by checking your phone or switching on the TV. If she brings up her lack of orgasm later, remind her that it’s just a myth cooked up by media companies to sell glossy women’s magazines. 

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Oscars announce this year's celebrity slapfights

THE Oscars have announced this year’s glittering Hollywood celebrity slapfights to take place live on stage.

The 95th Academy Awards will expand on last year’s wildly popular Will Smith-administered belt across the face for Chris Rock with a whole slate of slaps, hair-pulling and kicks to the shin.

A spokesman said: “Realised all you ever wanted to see was millionaire actors backhanding each other across their spoilt chops? Come the f**k down.

“We have responded to worldwide audience demand with a sparking array of A-list twattings. Even on the red carpet Jennifer Lawrence will be giving Bill Nighy the wedgie he’s long deserved.

“Jamie Lee Curtis is slapping Austin Butler, Angela Basset’s pushing Guillermo del Toro over while Ana de Armas kneels behind him so he falls right on his fat arse, and Paul Mescal is rubbing both of Tom Cruise’s ears really hard. It kills.

“Steven Spielberg is tipped for the lifetime achievement award which he’ll accept graciously, along with a kick in the nads from Andrea Riseborough.

“There won’t be a Smith-Rock rematch, unfortunately, because Will Smith is a little bitch. Quote me on that. Tell him if he’s got a problem with it he can tell me to my f**king face.”