Not holding your phone to your ear, and other annoying shit that can be blamed on The Apprentice

THE Apprentice has got a lot to answer for, besides putting several hundred hours of excruciating twats on television. Like these annoyances.

Not holding your phone to your ear

Before wannabe business dickheads needed both sides of their inane conversations heard, people used their phone normally by holding it up to their ear. Now it’s caught on among the public and we have to listen to twats yelling at each other about targets during what should be a peaceful train journey, and it’s all down to Alan bloody Sugar.

Speaking in cliches without shame

Imagine going on national television and saying ‘Don’t tell me the sky is the limit if there are footprints on the moon’ without it being a dare, or being really drunk. And yet people do it without embarrassment every year on The Apprentice. Normalising this kind of dimwitted behaviour is one of the reasons the country is so f**ked.

Driving everywhere in a fleet of vans

If you work in Central London, you get the Tube because the traffic is a nightmare and the congestion charge costs a fortune. On The Apprentice they drive everywhere in large vans with blacked out windows, as if they’re a highly-trained team of CIA bodyguards, not dipshits attempting to sell poorly-made macarons to nonplussed tourists in Covent Garden.

Thinking being a massive prick is a good idea

No one on The Apprentice tries to be pleasant to work with or support their colleagues. They’re all backstabbing gobshites who’d f**k over their granny to get ahead. Have you ever heard of any of them again, apart from Katie ‘Cockroaches’ Hopkins, who made ‘insane far-right commentator’ her business model? Nope, and even The Sun got tired of Katie.

Believing Alan Sugar is the answer to your dreams

Back in the day, Lord Sugar was at the forefront of computer technology, but now he sells commercial space in big cities and coincidentally abuses people who like homeworking on Twitter. Is he really the guy to help young entrepreneurs with incredible ideas make it big? Since he’s a miserable old duffer and all his candidates are appalling nightmares with the intelligence of a cardboard box, it’s unlikely they’ll be starting the new Apple.

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Eight posh celebrities you'd overcome your class principles to shag

EVEN in 2023 Britain is dominated by privilege, and the world of celebrities is no different. Could you cast aside your egalitarian principles to shag these posh oppressors? Yes.

Emilia Clarke

Went to various posh schools. Doesn’t have an army of dragons, but we’ll let that go. Intimacy might be marred by flashbacks to her line ‘Come with me if you want to live’ in Terminator Genisys, although visualising an elderly Arnie during sex is preferable to seeing any of Solo.

Tom Hiddleston

Tom went to Eton, but after the gruesome incompetence of Boris Johnson at running the country that’s not much of a recommendation in the sack. Maybe he’d need close supervision removing his socks, or try to put his penis in your ear. That’s probably why he split up with Taylor Swift.

Emily Blunt

All-round talented actor who was in the alien invasion manga adaptation Edge of Tomorrow, which makes her the perfect woman for sci-fi nerds because you could lose your virginity while finally finding out how the time loop works. 

Benedict Cumberbatch

Went to Harrow and is third cousin 16 times removed of King Richard III. That’s so posh no one knows what it is. Details of his sexual performance are unknown, but Dr Strange looks as if he’d be into some pretty kinky stuff in bed. Meanwhile Cumberbatch’s unstable Sherlock Holmes looks as if he’d cry after sex, so you’ll have to take your chances.

Georgia Toffolo

Cute but an actual member of the Tory party, so hopefully she wouldn’t rabbit on about Rishi Sunak during sex. Also a longer-term relationship could prove disastrous when you were introduced to her Made in Chelsea mates and roundly mocked as a turnip-munching peasant for not owning a single stately home.

Kit Harington 

So posh he sounds like a waterproof jacket for grouse shooting. He’s actually related to James I on his dad’s side and gunpowder plot leader Robert Catesby on his mum’s side, which must be confusing on bonfire night. James I had seven kids, so Kit is probably genetically pretty good at shagging.

Emilia Fox

The Emilias and Emilys are coming thick and fast, but let’s face it, it’s better than calling your kid Chantelle. Ms Fox is from the famous acting family, so if it was more than a casual shag you could probably get a signed DVD of Day of the Jackal off her dad Edward. However you’d live in fear of her wanker cousin Laurence popping round to talk right-wing bollocks. 

Eddie Redmayne 

Despite his fame, Eddie’s mainly been in stuff no one watched, so he’ll probably sleep with you out of sheer gratitude if you say you saw The Aeronauts (free on Amazon). However he scores highly on looks and poshness, and was in the same year at Eton as Prince William, so even if he’s shit in bed he might have some good stories about horse-faced baldy man.