WHAT’S the use of a population that spends years sitting around doing f**k all? Here the Department for Work and Pensions explains the reasons behind the new age hike.
We don’t want you to be cold
We know you’re struggling with the cost of living – not our fault, blame Putin – but that won’t improve much and you can forget about us stopping energy firms making insane profits. Old people feel the cold, and being at work will cut your heating bills. We’re only thinking of you, and definitely not the £9 billion the Treasury needs due to our mad policies and not liking paying our taxes.
It’s good for your mental health
The elderly are lazy coffin dodgers who spend all day watching Loose Women then moan that they’re lonely and unstimulated. Stacking shelves at Tesco until you’re 95 will keep you fit and motivated, especially if you could be replaced by a robot. You’ll also enjoy the company of having stressed-out customers shout at you about continually rising prices.
The Devil finds work for idle hands
It’s unhealthy for people to have nothing to do all day, except the Royal Family. Just look at all the old people who’ve joined Just Stop Oil and started glueing themselves to motorways. Working your already arthritic old fingers down to the bone will keep you out of trouble until you’re incapable of remembering a troublesome opinion.
No one wants to be a burden
Old people worry about being a burden and so everyone lies and reassures them they’re valued members of society. The truth is useless pensioners are draining the country’s coffers like vampires. Do the right thing and keep working right up to the moment you keel over dead after a 12-hour shift in an Amazon warehouse. Then you can’t be accused of taking the piss.
But please don’t stop voting for us
The Conservatives’ largest demographic is pensioners, and we don’t want you to stop voting for us, so remember things would be worse under Labour. They’d somehow keep you working even after you were dead, and your slave master would be the IRA-loving champagne socialist vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn. See, we’re not that bad, are we?