Work until you die, dogs: The government explains the new pension age changes

WHAT’S the use of a population that spends years sitting around doing f**k all? Here the Department for Work and Pensions explains the reasons behind the new age hike.

We don’t want you to be cold

We know you’re struggling with the cost of living – not our fault, blame Putin – but that won’t improve much and you can forget about us stopping energy firms making insane profits. Old people feel the cold, and being at work will cut your heating bills. We’re only thinking of you, and definitely not the £9 billion the Treasury needs due to our mad policies and not liking paying our taxes.

It’s good for your mental health

The elderly are lazy coffin dodgers who spend all day watching Loose Women then moan that they’re lonely and unstimulated. Stacking shelves at Tesco until you’re 95 will keep you fit and motivated, especially if you could be replaced by a robot. You’ll also enjoy the company of having stressed-out customers shout at you about continually rising prices.

The Devil finds work for idle hands

It’s unhealthy for people to have nothing to do all day, except the Royal Family. Just look at all the old people who’ve joined Just Stop Oil and started glueing themselves to motorways. Working your already arthritic old fingers down to the bone will keep you out of trouble until you’re incapable of remembering a troublesome opinion.

No one wants to be a burden

Old people worry about being a burden and so everyone lies and reassures them they’re valued members of society. The truth is useless pensioners are draining the country’s coffers like vampires. Do the right thing and keep working right up to the moment you keel over dead after a 12-hour shift in an Amazon warehouse. Then you can’t be accused of taking the piss.

But please don’t stop voting for us

The Conservatives’ largest demographic is pensioners, and we don’t want you to stop voting for us, so remember things would be worse under Labour. They’d somehow keep you working even after you were dead, and your slave master would be the IRA-loving champagne socialist vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn. See, we’re not that bad, are we?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

A stoner's guide to the greatest movies of all time

OKAY. The Oscars are bullshit, dude. For a truly mind-blowing movie experience, smoke this and watch these, writes stoned film critic Lauren Hewitt: 

The Matrix (1999)

Like it’s a cool movie with the coats and shit, but it is not afraid to ask the big questions. Is this a simulation? Are we in the matrix right now? How do we stop computers turning us into food? And why is it that these guys look so fantastic in leather coats, but only short fat beardy lads wear them in real life?

Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke (1978)

What Hitchcock was to horror, these dudes were to movies about bros who like to blaze up. Pioneers. Visionaries. Before they came along, Hollywood was too afraid to show a scene where two men smoked a joint containing Labrador faeces. They changed all that, so why aren’t they given the same respect?

American Pie (1999)

Citizen Kane’s old, man. There Will Be Blood is shouty and harsh. Wouldn’t you rather watch a kid f**king a pie? Exactly! Why are directors always trying to make movies so complicated and sad when what we really want to see is a man hump pastry? The Great British Bake Off is shit for similar reasons.

Interstellar (2014)

An absolute mind-bender because it’s all based on real science about gravity making time go faster. I actually understood it once, really deep into a half-ounce of Bubblegum Kush, and I’ve never been the same since. I was on the other side of the mirror, man! But it’s never happened since. It was just that one time.

This movie with Patrick Swayze where he’s like a Zen bouncer (199-?) 

I came in late to this one on TV but it was way cool. Swayze was like running this nightclub and kicking six kinds of ass in every situation while remaining totally chill. It’s not Point Break because that’s the surfer one. I think he was older than in Ghost though, or was that The Sixth Sense? Anyway it ruled.

The Big Lebowski (1998) 

A movie so good even the non-stoned can enjoy it. It’s almost like the Bible for me. If the people behind the Oscars had any integrity, this would have won Best Picture in every year since its release. Nothing has ever, or will ever, be created that surpasses it. It’s the Mona Lisa of weed.