Woman's hobby is buying all the stuff for new hobby

A WOMAN has admitted her lifelong passion is buying all the expensive items required to take up a new hobby and then not doing it. 

Emma Bradford, aged 32, loves nothing more than hunting down sets of sauteeing pans, beading materials, bookbinding leather or mirror resilvering paints before storing them in the spare room, garage or loft.

She said: “There’s nothing better than that tingle of anticipation as you stumble on a new hobby, knowing how much fun you’ll have getting all the kit.

“After that well, though my mind was dancing with visions of home-made seaglass jewellery or going kayaking at the time, I tend to try it once, realise it’s something I’ll have to do for ages to get good at, and move on.

“I’ve already got a hobby I’m great at anyway. I eBay snipe at the very last second, picking up full sets of paints, barely-used rollerblades and vintage beehives for almost nothing.

“Though, having just discovered felt-making, I reckon that could tempt me away. I’m fizzing with ideas about the handbags I could create, and there’s a full set 40 miles away on Gumtree. I think this could be it.”

Later in the week, Bradford will say: “Actually, I am shit at this. I must be more of a crochet person.”

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How to survive an hour without using the oven

CHASING a National Grid pay-out by not using the oven for a whole 60 minutes? Here’s how to survive without it for the length of a whole episode of Silent Witness. 

Get a takeaway

Man must eat, and it’s literally impossible to do it before 5pm or after 6pm, so like the hunter-gatherers of old you must order in. Pre-prepare excuses like ‘It’s been a long f**king day’ or ‘I don’t fancy what’s in the fridge’. Think of that lovely £3 per kilowatt hour saved.

Go to the pub

The mere offer of cold food could cause you to lash out and lose everything like Jeremy Clarkson, so do what he should have done and stay in the boozer. Pints and Scampi Fries in toasty warmth are fully justified and drinking enough is like insulation. You could manage this every night.

Use the microwave

Why do homes even have ovens? Food can be irradiated into edible condition much more quickly and affordably thanks to microwaves making other cooking appliances obsolete, as Tomorrow’s World informed us in 1970. It’d be like using a mangle when the iron is right there staring at you. All you eat is beans on toast anyway.

Distract yourself

The endless wait until 6pm weighs heavy on the soul. You decide to watch TV, before realising that isn’t allowed either, and nor are games consoles. Unable to even console yourself with the gentle spinning of the tumble dryer, you’re forced to play games on your phone, like an animal.

Obsess over the money you’ll save

Indulge in an hour-long daydream about how much you’re saving, beginning with the purchase of a Charlie Bigham pie and improbably ending up with you owning a chateau. With luck you could put away £20, which in the current economic climate will buy you milk and one of those half-loaves of bread. Own brand obviously.