Armchair WWII Veteran, and other new courses at the University of Life

BITTER that you dicked around at the School of Hard Knocks and have no formal qualifications? Order the University of Life’s new prospectus:

Armchair WWII veteran

Tragically you were denied the chance to be the D-Day hero you should have been because you were born a mere 60 years too late. This course will have you referencing Dunkirk, El Alamein and Stalingrad as if you were there. Also teaches how to spot and avoid real veterans who can smell valour-stealing Walter Mittys a mile off.

Biased fake-news media studies

Studying the media and how everything they say is biased and false. Accessible for both far-left and far-right students, tutors will educate on how and why they fool everyone apart from insightful geniuses like yourself. Even if you do believe that every shot of Covid vaccine contains millions of nanoscopic Bill Gateses.

Sports administration

This degree rewards you for three decades of yelling at Sky Super Sunday down the pub, giving you full conversational expertise in the high press, false nine, and why Southgate’s shooting himself in the foot if he doesn’t play Grealish. At the end of the course you’ll convince another drunk fan that you know more than Pep Guardiola.


Would you like 20:20 hindsight? Have you always wanted to step in, after someone else has completed a difficult manual task, and tell them how they could have done it much better? Course teaches how to always be effortlessly superior while doing bugger all and talking out of your arse.

English as a foreigner’s language

Prepare for post-EU visits to the continent by learning to speak English slowly at top volume while incuding any and all local idioms. Students who add “-ez” to the end of every word will graduate with first-class honours.

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Lone benefit of Brexit will be schadenfreude, experts confirm

THE only benefit Britain will realise from Brexit is that 16 million people can enjoy saying ‘Told you so,’ experts have confirmed. 

As it becomes clear to all but the most fanatical Brexiters that leaving the EU will be detrimental to the UK’s economy, democracy and continued existence, all those who saw it coming can at least look forward to being proved right.

Remain voter Lucy Parry said: “The one upside to all this is watching my Uncle Dave slowly realise that his beloved Brexit is going to be a shitshow.

“It’s hilarious because he thought he was kicking out the Polish shop on the corner of his road, but he works for Nissan so ultimately he’s f**ked himself over by being a racist.

“And when I say ‘funny’, I of course mean horribly tragic and depressing. But, you know, I did tell him.”

Economist Julian Cook said: “Taking pleasure in other people’s troubles is a low way to enjoy yourself, but if we’ve learned anything from 2020 it’s that you take your laughs where you can.

“The word schadenfreude is itself, of course, a German import. We’ll probably have to start paying a tariff for using it soon.”