Baldness and other physical traits which make you invisible to the opposite sex

WONDERING why you are not turning the heads of the opposite sex? You’re probably afflicted with these physical traits.


Women say they find bald men attractive. And they probably do find The Rock and Pep Guardiola attractive. You are not The Rock or Pep Guardiola though. You are a bloke with a thinning bonce who does not have a winning personality to make up for it. Your bloodline is about to die out, and all because of your stupid follicles.

Wonky teeth

If you keep your mouth shut you might get some passing interest from the opposite sex. Once you open it to start talking though, it’s game over. Your crooked gnashers will visibly repulse them and send them running for the hills. Why don’t you have a perfect row of dazzling white teeth which would look weird enough in itself?

Being chubby

Nobody thinks of themselves as a fat shamer, but it’s there, lurking beneath the surface. Thanks to a world where some people work out all the time, normal people carrying a couple of extra pounds are paying the price for looking chubby in comparison. Even having a nice car or a sense of humour won’t be enough to compensate for your excess flab. You’re doomed.

Big ears

A big nose can be characterful, and big chins can look distinguished. Big ears though will condemn you to a lonely, sexless life. It’s no good being handsome in profile. That’ll only get you so far. Eventually you’ll have to turn your head and reveal the pair of FA Cup handles you were born with. Women can cover theirs with hair, but men will see through that shit eventually.


If dating apps have proven one thing, it’s that people have a massive hang-up about height. Men, if you’re below six foot, you might as well give up now. The ladies do not want to tower over you when wearing heels. Women, if you’re taller than five foot five, no man will ever find your looming frame attractive. The sooner everyone is standardised like an EU banana, the better.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Don't refill your Jacuzzi every day: the selfish bastard's guide to saving water

WANT to help save water during the drought? Follow the advice and sacrifices of selfish moron Roy Hobbs.

Wash your Audis every other day

As a bonding exercise with my teenage son, I used to make him scrub my two Audis every day while I sat inside watching TV. Reducing the amount of quality time he gets to spend with such fine examples of German engineering was hard for me, but I’ve reduced his pocket-money accordingly.

Don’t refill your Jacuzzi constantly

Do these eco warriors realise how clogged up a Jacuzzi gets when you host as many grim pool parties as I do to show off my nouveau riche bubbling bathtub? If that water isn’t changed daily I could get a disease. But I’m saving the planet by only changing the water every few days. I hope Extinction Rebellion appreciates my sacrifice.

Don’t leave the taps on

Sometimes, when my wife’s badgering me in the kitchen by asking how my day’s been or, even worse, telling me how her day’s been, I’ll run the tap at full blast to drown out her inane chattering. Given her ability to ramble I was probably getting through a hundred gallons a day. Now though, I’ve simply invested in some earplugs.

Halt the local wet t-shirt competition

The wet t-shirt competition has a proud history in our local village fete. I am only agreeing to cancel it this year due to this bloody water crisis. It has nothing to do with the growing protests of some uppity feminists, a few local MPs playing the ‘woke’ card, and a petition organised by a national newspaper.

Cut back on the power-washing

This is the biggest sacrifice of all. Blasting the filthy concrete tiles in my back garden with the pressure washer was my equivalent of childbirth. Plus all the neighbours would look on in envy from their dilapidated domiciles. However, I am prepared to only do this fortnightly going forward. Normal service will be resumed the second it rains again.