Brexit even ruining MDMA now

BREXIT is such an endless black hole of misery that it has even managed to make MDMA less fun, research has revealed.

A peer-reviewed scientific study found that supply chain disruption had caused a decrease in the purity of the drug, adding yet another unexpected drawback to the shitshow of leaving the EU.

Recreational drug user Lucy Parry said: “Given that we live in a hole of a country with an inept, lying prime minister, a failing economy and a media obsessed with peddling culture war crap, I need a little dab of Mandy to make it bearable.

“However, Brexit has even managed to f**k up that. Apparently pills are now routinely cut with stuff that causes panic, psychosis and prolonged insomnia. I can get that from reading the news, thanks very much.

“I bet it doesn’t affect Brexiters like Jacob Rees-Mogg. He’s probably got his own personal chemist making pills that blow your head off. That would explain a lot.”

Oliver O’Connor said: “Taking a couple of pills on a weekend used to allow me to feel like all was well with the world, even when it wasn’t.

“Now I have to suffer the horrible reality of this country with only a few pints of lager in me. Suddenly I can see why angry twats feel the need to fight each other outside pubs. In fact, I think I’ll join in.”

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The Guardian reader's guide to not being annoyed about the rail strikes

THE rail strikes will be hugely inconvenient, but for Guardian readers disagreeing with the principle of industrial action is deeply awkward. Here Carolyn Ryan explains how to be positive about the hassle. 

It’s solidarity with the working person

If it wasn’t for strikes we’d still be having our fingers sliced off in cotton mills, so it’s only right that we stand shoulder-to-shoulder with train drivers. £58,000 does seem rather a lot for sitting down for hours, but they have other onerous responsibilities like telling you the train is terminating at random with no further details.

Commuting on the electric bike

I normally only ride my Cyrusher e-bike as far as the station then force it onto the train for others to admire, but now I can buzz along all the way into town. It’s not like the roads will be any busier and I’m sure motorists will be more than happy to gesticulate the right directions.

It’s a rare chance to show the children a picket line 

Martin and I are all for taking the kids out of school if it encourages their development. I’m sure Poppy and Nat will be welcomed by RMT workers and taught to shout ‘scab’ at any traitors trying to get past. We might bring some tofu sausages to cook over a brazier. I’m sure they’ll appreciate that.

You can still go to Glastonbury

At first we thought ‘Oh God, but what about Glasto?’ but then we realised that the last two strikes fall on the Thursday and Saturday and we arrive early on Wednesday to immerse ourselves in the lives of authentic local folk and leave on the Sunday for work. We’ve rented a lime green retro VW camper so it doesn’t really matter anyway.

Boycotting the cricket

Apparently England are playing New Zealand on the 23rd but Martin says Headingley is full of racists and Tories so hopefully the whole thing will have to be cancelled and the ground returned to wild meadow. It’s odd because Leeds wasn’t at all like that when I was at uni. But it does avoid hours of mind-bending tedium.

Animals will be able to cross the tracks 

Railways are deadly obstacles to badgers and foxes and so with no trains running they’ll be able to move from one habitat to another unhindered. Unless they’ve left the live rail on and Mr Fox gets blasted six feet into the air, in which case get back to work, you wildlife murderers.