Five reasons not to move back to the shithole where you grew up

YOU swore you’d never do it, but there comes a point in life where moving back to the shithole where you grew up seems a good idea. Here’s why you should resist.

It won’t have changed at all

You’ll assume this shitty backwater has changed for the better. Perhaps a Costa or (dare to dream!) a Bella Pasta? Nope, it’s the same sad charity shops and the pubs are unchanged. Except you were at school with the pisshead regulars and they’re still droning on about the past, eg. how fit Miss Mason was. She’s probably in a care home now. Depressing.

You’ll have to see your relatives

It’s tricky to claim you can’t go to christenings and Uncle Phil and Aunt Susan’s golden wedding anniversary when you live in the same town. Chances are they live so close by they’ve got a direct view into your back garden. No more easy excuses, you’re going to have to stand around eating egg sandwiches every time a family member breeds. Or dies. At least until it’s your turn.

You’ll realise you’re not superior

Leaving made you think you were better than everyone who stayed. If you return you’ll realise that the schoolmates you mocked have got their lives way more sorted than yours. That said, they’re parochial bastards, but you’ll come to enjoy mundane conversations solely about local things like street lighting. You’ll be a lot happier, like a Stepford wife.

It’ll be harder to claim you’re not like your parents

All those years in fancier parts of the country were pointless, as you’re back in the same sort of street where you grew up, wondering why your parents would inflict this on you. Except now you’re the one getting excited about having your highlights done at ‘Shear Elegance’ and weekly curry’n’karaoke night at the Kings Head. In fact you’re going with your mum and dad.

You like it there

By far the most alarming revelation is discovering you love living in the hellhole of your youth. Your past self will be screaming in judgement, but perhaps it’s time to accept your destiny, ie. being stuck in a mostly harmless dump where you can just give up on life. Having ambitions was nothing but hassle anyway. Plus the chippy still does those fantastic soggy chips.

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Do you avoid opening your post, or is there something wrong with you?

NORMAL people stuff official-looking envelopes out of sight, but some freaks immediately face the contents of their post. Take our quiz to find out which you are.

When you come down in the morning and see post on the mat do you:

A) Pretend you haven’t seen it and hum loudly to block out the paranoid voices in your head saying you’re one envelope away from crippling debt, terminal illness or some other form of doom.

B) Calmly pick up your correspondence before opening them all to feel fully informed. Knowledge is power!

Are you someone who keeps tabs on their outgoings and debts?

A) You’d prefer not to answer this question because a mild sweat is already breaking out.

B) Yes, because sound financial planning is the key to a calm, content and prosperous life.

When an envelope with a plastic window that is definitely not a fiver from your gran arrives, do you:

A) Recoil in horror and chuck it in the recycling. You can’t get in trouble if no one can prove you ever received the post, right?

B) Read it in detail before getting out your holepunch and filing it for future reference.

Are you on top of things?

A) Does buying more Weetabix before the box runs out count? If so, some of the time.

B) Yes, your personal finances are planned and monitored like a military operation. Life is to be lived, but primarily it is to be organised.

Do you like surprises?

A) Obviously not. Surprises are scary and never good. Especially when the letter informing you says ‘DO NOT IGNORE’.

B) Of course – life is an adventure and who knows what wonderful things might await you in today’s post? There could be a deal on your car insurance – or a free biro!

Mostly As: You are normal and leading a life of fear, denial and futilely delaying bad news until a more appropriate time, ie. never.

Mostly Bs: There is something very wrong with you. You either do not fear bad news or, even weirder, you feel capable of dealing with it. If this desire to discover the troubling truth is not a result of head trauma, you are probably a robot.

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