YOU swore you’d never do it, but there comes a point in life where moving back to the shithole where you grew up seems a good idea. Here’s why you should resist.
It won’t have changed at all
You’ll assume this shitty backwater has changed for the better. Perhaps a Costa or (dare to dream!) a Bella Pasta? Nope, it’s the same sad charity shops and the pubs are unchanged. Except you were at school with the pisshead regulars and they’re still droning on about the past, eg. how fit Miss Mason was. She’s probably in a care home now. Depressing.
You’ll have to see your relatives
It’s tricky to claim you can’t go to christenings and Uncle Phil and Aunt Susan’s golden wedding anniversary when you live in the same town. Chances are they live so close by they’ve got a direct view into your back garden. No more easy excuses, you’re going to have to stand around eating egg sandwiches every time a family member breeds. Or dies. At least until it’s your turn.
You’ll realise you’re not superior
Leaving made you think you were better than everyone who stayed. If you return you’ll realise that the schoolmates you mocked have got their lives way more sorted than yours. That said, they’re parochial bastards, but you’ll come to enjoy mundane conversations solely about local things like street lighting. You’ll be a lot happier, like a Stepford wife.
It’ll be harder to claim you’re not like your parents
All those years in fancier parts of the country were pointless, as you’re back in the same sort of street where you grew up, wondering why your parents would inflict this on you. Except now you’re the one getting excited about having your highlights done at ‘Shear Elegance’ and weekly curry’n’karaoke night at the Kings Head. In fact you’re going with your mum and dad.
You like it there
By far the most alarming revelation is discovering you love living in the hellhole of your youth. Your past self will be screaming in judgement, but perhaps it’s time to accept your destiny, ie. being stuck in a mostly harmless dump where you can just give up on life. Having ambitions was nothing but hassle anyway. Plus the chippy still does those fantastic soggy chips.