Coronavirus sick of London already

THE coronavirus has confirmed that three months in London is more than enough and it is moving somewhere else for a better quality of life.

Despite being able to withstand seven days on the outside of a plastic bottle, the coronavirus refused to spend another 24 hours in a city where a pint costs upwards of six quid and people think Pret A Manger makes nice food.

The virus said: “I’m looking outside the capital for a place to base myself now. How anyone survives here I have no idea. Everything is either expensive, insufferably twattish, or a combination of both.

“I’d genuinely rather go back to the floor of a wet market or the inside of a bat than live anywhere within the M25. I might be responsible for upwards of 100,000 deaths, but the arseholes that live here really are intolerable.”

Londoners have reacted to the move by suggesting the coronavirus try looking for somewhere affordable in Zone 6, set up a side hustle as a YouTuber, or ask for some money from its parents.

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Family visiting seaside remember why they stopped going

A FAMILY that decided to go to the seaside for the first time in years were quickly reminded that Britain’s coastal towns are dilapidated shitholes.

The Johnson family sat in gridlock for three hours so they could enjoy a day trip to a crowded estuary beach, only to pack up and leave within minutes of laying out their towels because it was too miserable to endure.

Francesca Johnson said: “We thought the tacky English seaside vibe would be fun in an ironic way, but all it did was confirm that we’ve been doing the right thing by spending our holidays in Tuscany.

“We’d planned to have some quality family time building sand castles and swimming in the sea. Instead we bonded by looking out for syringes and throwing rocks at seagulls to keep them away from our food.”

Husband Tom said: “There’s not much to do at the beach apart from gaze off into the middle distance and contemplate the futility of life. And I already get enough of that through work.

“I was hoping a shark would eat someone just to liven things up.”