Friday, 29th May 2020

Coronavirus sick of London already

THE coronavirus has confirmed that three months in London is more than enough and it is moving somewhere else for a better quality of life.

Despite being able to withstand seven days on the outside of a plastic bottle, the coronavirus refused to spend another 24 hours in a city where a pint costs upwards of six quid and people think Pret A Manger makes nice food.

The virus said: “I’m looking outside the capital for a place to base myself now. How anyone survives here I have no idea. Everything is either expensive, insufferably twattish, or a combination of both.

“I’d genuinely rather go back to the floor of a wet market or the inside of a bat than live anywhere within the M25. I might be responsible for upwards of 100,000 deaths, but the arseholes that live here really are intolerable.”

Londoners have reacted to the move by suggesting the coronavirus try looking for somewhere affordable in Zone 6, set up a side hustle as a YouTuber, or ask for some money from its parents.