Dad realises the only reason he's been brought on holiday is to carry the bag everywhere

IT has dawned on a father that his family has only invited him on holiday so he can lug their stuff everywhere like a pack mule.

Stephen Malley thought his wife and children included him in their trip to Spain because they love him, but is starting to suspect they only tolerate his presence for his relatively broad shoulders and strong back.

He said: “If they’re not asking me to ‘hold this’ or ‘carry that’ I’m dead to them. Meanwhile they’re free to scamper around ahead of me and explore the Mediterranean coast without a care in the world.

“On the rare occasions they do interact with me, it’s only to spin me around so they can grab their hats or sun cream from the side pockets. It’s not really me they want, it’s the bag and the many splendid delights it contains. I am nothing, I am nobody.

“Maybe I’m being pessimistic. They also let me drive everywhere and pay for everything, and I’m always the one who ends up trying to interact with the locals even though I barely speak their language.

“If that’s not a sign your family values your company, I don’t know what is.”

Wife Francesca said: “Stephen? Sorry, I don’t know who you mean. We refer to our bag carrier as ‘The Help’ for the duration of the holiday. It’s a lovely family bonding experience.”

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Smug twat thinks he doesn't need to hold on to tram pole

A SELF-SATISFIED man has displayed his superiority to other tram passengers by standing without holding the pole, it has emerged.

Cocksure knobhead Ryan Whittaker has drawn derision from fellow tram users by riding the Manchester Metrolink through a particularly winding route with his hands either in his pockets or preoccupied with his phone.

Onlooker Donna Sheridan said: “There’s always one. It’s not like there aren’t any seats free either. I offered him the one next to me and all he did was sneer. The dickhead.

“Does he really think he’s hot shit? His wobbly little dance as he tries to maintain his balance is impressing nobody. He’d look more cool and mysterious if he sat still and thoughtfully gazed out of the window.

“He must do this all the time too because this is a bumpy route and he hasn’t faltered yet. There’s probably a Facebook group about him where people can write about how much they hate him. And if there isn’t I’m setting one up when I get in.

“I was supposed to get off five minutes ago but I’m transfixed by how much I loathe him. Also I’m hoping someone pulls the emergency cord and he goes flying. That would be f**king hilarious.”