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'It's coming home but no probs if not!' chant women

WOMEN excited about today’s match against Colombia have started singing a boisterous yet modest football chant, it has emerged.

Lionesses supporters are gearing up for this morning’s quarter-final game by belting out a sensible version of the football chant inspired by Three Lions by the Lightning Seeds and bloody Baddiel.

England fan Lucy Parry said: “Only three teams stand between England bringing the Women’s World Cup trophy back to the home of football. That’s why we’ve erupted into a cautious singalong which is taking care not to get too loud in case it disturbs anybody. 

“The Lionesses need our female solidarity right now. Not that we can take any credit if they win, of course. That would be silly and an overestimation of our importance. Come on girls, you can do it! No pressure if you don’t though, obviously!”

Fellow supporter Nikki Hollis said: “Women can only dream of cheering on a football team with the same undue arrogance as blokes. Equality has come a long way but we’re still decades off from feeling entitled enough to stick flares up our arses.

“Even if we win we won’t go out and trash the streets in drunken euphoria. We’ll hastily sip down our elderflower pressés, or single G&Ts if we’re not driving, then quietly file out of the pub so the men can put whatever they want on the TV.

“It’s only fair.”

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The offie, and other places to be the victim of snarky comments from teenagers during the holidays

THE summer holidays mean gangs of teenagers congregating to hurl belittling comments at grown adults like you. Watch out for them in these places:

Fast food restaurants

You pop in for a burger at lunchtime and the place is rammed with bored adolescents slowly picking their way through a small portion of fries. They call you ‘fat man’ and blow spitballs at you through straws when you sit down with your Big Mac. You complain to staff but they are also terrified and refuse to help.

Festivals

A heady cocktail of post-A-level giddiness, no parents and no responsibility make music festivals the perfect hunting ground for unpleasant teenagers every summer. Some arrogant little tosspot will take the piss out of your old band tee and lame sunhat while hammered off one can of Strongbow, before going on to humiliate you so badly for staking out a spot in front of the main stage with your trusty camping chair that you stomp off and miss Sam Ryder.

Off licences

You remember asking people to buy you booze when you were a teenager, but you’re sure you were polite whenever someone turned you down. Teenagers these days are vicious bastards though, and full of horrible insults. It’s enough to make you convince yourself buying them a four-pack of Tyskie is perfectly legal, just to avoid being called a ‘massive bender’ one more time.

Cinemas

Taking advantage of being freelance to attend a daytime screening alone is an act of sadomasochism when kids aren’t in school. They’re legally allowed to see a 15 unaccompanied, but only turn up to guffaw at swear words and leer at anything mildly sexual. Unfortunately, shushing them will only lead to getting called a virgin for two hours straight in claustrophobic darkness.

Swimming pools

Teenagers feel entitled to ruin everyone’s day at the swimming pool. Family groups cower in the shallow end while 15-year-old idiots do canonballs into the lanes where boring adults are trying to swim lengths. Nobody wants to approach them to tell them off, because, half-dressed and uncomfortable, they fear being called a paedo by the one who’s livestreaming the whole experience on their phone. And there’s no use calling the lifeguard, as he’s their older teenage mate and will just join in with the abuse.

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