Six empty parental threats so lame you can't believe you're using them

WHY don’t your children respect you? It’s because your words mean nothing, as these completely empty threats demonstrate.

I’ll throw that iPad away!

You’d obviously never let any harm befall an expensive electronic device because you’re not a wealthy maniac like Kirstie Allsopp or that Supernanny woman. Besides, your kids know that you’re as addicted to that sweet, sweet tablet as they are. Oh, and Daddy needs it for his ‘me time’.

You’ll go straight to bed!

This would simply move the nightmare of bedtime to clash with preparing dinner, meaning you’ll be traipsing up and down the stairs while also making a lasagne because the little shits constantly ‘need a drink’. Just let them watch telly until nine, otherwise the only person being punished will be you.

Father Christmas won’t come!

It’s six o’clock on Christmas morning. Two excited children rush down the stairs in their Rudolph slippers. They flick on the living room light and see… a lump of coal. You did it! You actually followed through and did it, you parenting legend! Except of course you didn’t. You bought them a Nintendo Switch, because otherwise the mums at the school gates would find out and give you evils for the next five years.

You won’t get pudding if you don’t eat your vegetables!

This will just descend into a lengthy negotiation which drains you of all remaining energy. A carrot for an Oreo. Two mouthfuls of peas for a Viennese Whirl. After half an hour of intense haggling you’ll go to the freezer and break out the Almond Magnums simply because you need one yourself.

You won’t be going to play at your friend’s!

Really? You’re not going to get rid of them for a few hours so you can gorge yourself on the secret chocolates you keep in the garage? You could even have a bit of sex while the house is quiet. You won’t, obviously, you’ll binge watch an entire series of Selling Sunset while necking wine, but you could.

Just wait ‘til your father gets home!

The emptiest of all threats. This isn’t the 1970s and Dad isn’t a slipper-wielding psychopath. Your children are well aware that their father will simply grunt hello before switching on the telly and, when informed of their cheekiness, laugh and commend them for the imaginativeness of their insults. Fat lot of use he is.

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How to live without healthcare, a government guide

CONCERNED about the junior doctor’s strike? Worried it will bring the NHS to its knees? Learn how to live without healthcare with this guide.

Stay at home

The outside world is full of hazards like cars and foreigners. To protect yourself as much as possible, remain indoors permanently with a duvet wrapped around your fragile meat sack to shield it from sharp corners. If you can fit yourself into your freezer, put yourself into makeshift cryosleep until the strike blows over.

Sanitise everything

Just like you did at the start of the pandemic, remember? That was great fun. This way you’ll be able to ward off any pesky bacteria that might get into your body and give you a nasty infection. Either that or it’ll lower your immune system so drastically that even a big piece of pollen becomes a life-threatening risk. Anyway, try it and let us know how you get on.

Concoct your own medicines

Who needs junior doctors anyway? True patriots would much rather take back control of their healthcare by making their own. You must be able to Google a fix for a hernia or whip up a miracle elixir with the contents of your medicine cabinet, surely? Crushing up some paracetamol and stirring them into a big bowl of Calpol will likely cure what ails you.

Learn to live with pain

Is the pain of a broken bone really that bad? Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic writhing around in agony with kidney stones? Stop being such a woke snowflake and see these ailments for what they really are: a reminder that you’re still alive and kicking. There are plenty of dead people who would love to be in your position, so start showing some gratitude.

Give dying a try

Is death really that bad? Nobody can be 100 per cent certain. For all we know, an afterlife free from pain and suffering could be waiting for us on the other side. You’d feel like a right idiot for fretting over an underfunded NHS if there is. Why not ease pressure on hospital waiting lists by giving the big sleep a try? No no, you first, we insist.