Discovery of new star sign changes woman's entire personality

THE discovery of Ophiuchus, the 13th star sign, has altered a woman’s entire personality overnight.

Francesca Johnson went to bed one day believing she was an optimistic and spontaneous Sagittarius and woke up to find she is actually a jealous procrastinating Ophiuchus instead.

Johnson said: “It wasn’t until I read about it in the news that I discovered my entire personality had shifted and I was a completely different person.

“It’s weird. Yesterday I was a broad-minded truth-seeker with enormous personal integrity who got on great with my Aries boyfriend.

“Today, I’m an imaginative routine-hater with a keen sense of justice who needs to dump that relentlessly cheery wanker and hook up with a Pisces. All thanks to NASA.

“Oddly, I don’t entirely feel like I’ve got a wildly different approach to life. I feel exactly the same.

“It could almost lead you to believe that star signs are a load of bollocks spouted by people who want to make themselves seem more interesting than they really are.

“Anyway, I’m sure my explosive temper and sexual magnetism will kick in soon. Maybe it just takes a while to change over, like when you swap your wifi provider.”

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Five disgusting habits you've picked up from being alone for too long

IT’S been months since anyone came round, and you were already letting things slide before. Here’s five horrendous lockdown habits you’ve picked up: 

Picking your nose and wiping it on the bedpost

Once, people had notches on the bedpost. Now they have bogies. But hey, what does it matter when the bed’s a vast loveless expanse with nobody sleeping on the other side for months? At least your snot collection adds colour. Dig away!

Open mouth chewing

Your mouth actually makes a whole host of weird noises, shapes, and sounds but you’ve forgotten about them because you’ve been alone too long and mainly chewing, mouth fully open, like a cow. Food tastes better when you can feel the breeze on your tonsils.

Picking hair out of the drain with your bare hands

It’s just easier than putting on gloves! This one does make sense, and it’s seriously satisfying watching a big clump emerge from the plughole. And then holding it in your hands, like a dead rat, and perhaps petting it for a moment.

Eating food directly from the floor

When you’re sharing space, the five-second rule applies. Now that you’re alone you can eat whatever you like directly from the surface you walk on and nobody can judge you. That dirt from the floor probably boosts your immune system, or something like that.

Drinking from the bottle

Why dirty a glass? It’ll only sit there reproachfully in the morning. Swig wine directly from the bottle and stop acting like a princess. What, you think you’re special or something?