Monday, 8th March 2021

Discovery of new star sign changes woman's entire personality

THE discovery of Ophiuchus, the 13th star sign, has altered a woman’s entire personality overnight.

Francesca Johnson went to bed one day believing she was an optimistic and spontaneous Sagittarius and woke up to find she is actually a jealous procrastinating Ophiuchus instead.

Johnson said: “It wasn’t until I read about it in the news that I discovered my entire personality had shifted and I was a completely different person.

“It’s weird. Yesterday I was a broad-minded truth-seeker with enormous personal integrity who got on great with my Aries boyfriend.

“Today, I’m an imaginative routine-hater with a keen sense of justice who needs to dump that relentlessly cheery wanker and hook up with a Pisces. All thanks to NASA.

“Oddly, I don’t entirely feel like I’ve got a wildly different approach to life. I feel exactly the same.

“It could almost lead you to believe that star signs are a load of bollocks spouted by people who want to make themselves seem more interesting than they really are.

“Anyway, I’m sure my explosive temper and sexual magnetism will kick in soon. Maybe it just takes a while to change over, like when you swap your wifi provider.”