Friday, 30th October 2020

How to pretend to be outraged about the new Bristol statue in a non-racist way

A BLACK Lives Matter statue has appeared in Bristol where Edward Colston used to stand, and you’re pissed off. Here’s how to pretend it’s nothing to do with being racist:

The proper rules and regulations weren’t followed

You’ve got to respect planning laws, haven’t you? Apart from when you turned your garage into a pub and got fined. But frothing over a proper risk assessment is much less racist than your instinctive loathing of a black woman’s statue replacing a white man’s.

Edward Colston did a lot for Bristol

‘Colston was a philanthropist who built Bristol, what has that woman ever done?’, cry thousands of men who refer to Clarkson like he’s an old mate. Well, Jen Reid definitely never enslaved tens of thousands of people, so on balance she still comes out ahead.

It’s encouraging ‘mob rule’

Anyone moaning about mob rule is under the impression that the streets are awash with violent gangs demanding they stop watching ‘Allo! ‘Allo! The threatened tsunami of statue topplings never materialised. Colston will be on show in a museum soon. Get over it.

All lives matter

Whether you’ve accidentally grasped the wrong end of the stick or are being wilfully ignorant, you can pretend to be free of prejudice by saying the statue shouldn’t be there because ‘All lives matter’. It doesn’t matter that it make no sense even to you.

It will start a race war

There wouldn’t be racism if people stopped bringing it up, claim all those who also firmly believe we’re heading for race war. Luckily this only exists in their minds alongside a vivid fantasy about having a pint with Nigel Farage.