Boyfriend and cat getting on little too well for girlfriend's liking

A CAT has formed a suspiciously strong bond with its owner’s boyfriend, she has confirmed. 

Four-year-old tabby Mittens has been living with owner Lucy Parry since she was six months old and has only known Ryan Whittaker for two weeks but has taken to him with suspicious enthusiasm, sparking jealousy, concern and resentment.

Parry said: “We were watching telly the other night and she jumped up to sit on him. Not next to him. On him. Right in front of me.

“She purrs. She snuggles in. Where’s the hostility? Where’s the gratitude? I’ve been emptying that litter tray since we thought Theresa May was competent.

“He’s always stroking her like a bloody Bond villain. Next time he’s round, he can get her stinking food out of the pouches and clean up her shit. Since apparently he’s her favourite.”

Whittaker said: “I don’t like cats one bit. Which cats really, really respond to.

“I’m hoping if I hype up our connection then she’ll take ‘Mittens’ to a shelter. You know what? I think maybe Mittens wants that, too.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Why, as a gammon, I am medically unable to wear a facemask

FACEMASKS are compulsory in shops, but many senior Brexiters are unable to comply on medical grounds. Roy Hobbs explains why: 

Blood pressure

As an older, angrier, high-cholesterol, Daily Express-reading heavy drinker and regular smoker, my blood pressure is through the roof. Having to put one of these bloody muzzles on would make me so furious a heart attack’s inevitable. So that’s not safe.

Oxygen access

My airways are constricted enough without having to suck air through one of these things. I already get dizzy climbing stairs because the air’s thinner at the top. Red-blooded blokes like me need more oxygen than these pale, thin liberal types.

Hygiene issues

I eat sausages for breakfast, cheese-and-onion crisps for elevenses, Scotch eggs and lager for lunch and regular pork scratchings. My breath’s no f**king joke, love. Wear one of these and I’m inhaling my own fumes all day, and honestly it knocks you sick.

Only protect other people

Correct me if I’m wrong, but they don’t even stop you catching the Covid. They just stop other people catching it. Well that’s their lookout, not mine. Why should I take responsibility for their healthcare? Will it be my fault when they break a leg? Idiocy.

Vulnerability to insults

Never mind the pandemic, what about how vulnerable these things leave us to ridicule? I wore one, once, because my daughter made me, and this teenager shouted ‘Look at the string on the gammon.’ Well that’s hurtful. It’s still hurting. That’s actual harm.

The Chinese wear them

Everyone’s on about how they all wear them in China and Japan. China. Think about it. China. Well that’s where this frigging virus has come from, isn’t it? So best case scenario the masks don’t work, worst case they’re what spreads it. That Chris Whitty needs to listen to sense.