Driving through a car wash: Six thrilling experiences that would traumatise children today

IN the olden days, life was was more exciting for kids due to your embarrassingly low expectations. Having said that, some activities would leave a child of today needing counselling. Like these.

Watching Labyrinth

Seeing all that magic on screen was pure joy when you were a child. It’s weird that modern children aren’t enchanted by angry puppets and demands from David Bowie to come and be his child bride. 

Driving through a car wash

You’ll never forget being stuck in a small, cramped space where robots battered the windows and you might have drowned if you’d tried to get out. It was definitely a thrill, in the same way being in a burning building is ‘thrilling’. These days car washes probably have wussy warnings everywhere, eg. ‘Not suitable for people who do not like the thought of being drowned, scalded to death or torn apart by machinery.’ Snowflakes.

Eating paper

With hindsight, a bit weird and attention-seeking, but at the time freaking out your friends by chowing down on a random bit of a book was the best, wasn’t it? These days paper is probably on dangerous allergen lists, so encourage children to eat normal things like crayons or hair. 

Going to a funfair

Going to a ramshackle fairground in a field was as good as anything at Disneyland, which fortunately you hadn’t been to. And it was great for kids – some of them were even operating the rides. You didn’t meet Mickey and Goofy, but the rough-as-f**k tattooed blokes were interesting enough. Unfortunately these days theme parks are a heavily-regulated, sterile affair where you’re not even allowed to lose a finger.

Living with a ‘popcorn’ ceiling

Ceilings with a bumpy surface thanks to small lumps of polystyrene looked so much cooler than just boring paint. Sadly today’s homeowners are obsessed with poncey interior design concepts like ‘elegant’ and ‘simple’ and ‘definitely doesn’t have asbestos behind it’.

Walking to the shop on your own

It was a big day when you were told you could run to get some milk unaccompanied. You didn’t even know to be worried that you didn’t have your phone with you – which is funny, because now if someone told you to go somewhere without your phone you’d shit yourself.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Starmer: I am proud to be the face of apathetic change

KEIR Starmer has quietly and modestly accepted his position as the poster boy of indifferent, apathetic change.

With Labour emerging victorious thanks to whoever could be bothered to vote in Tamworth and Mid Bedfordshire, the default winner Sir Keir is now set to lead a bland, unambitious revolution.

He said: “The message is soft and indistinct. People are quietly grumbling out for change, and that change looks like a slick side parting with a face that struggles to smile.

“Think of me as the Che Guevara of centrism. But instead of a snazzy beret I’m sporting a sensible, crowd-pleasing Windsor knot. It’s an inoffensive, grown-up look that will be plastered all over student t-shirts in no time.

“What does my dispassionate revolt stand for? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see. But whatever you believe in, it vaguely looks like that. Even Brexit. Rest assured I’m on your side. Kind of. 

“Heavy is the head that wears the crown of indifference though. If I’m not careful then the unenthusiastic toleration of voters could sour into bitter acceptance. That’s why I’m refusing to get too excited just yet.

“Oh, and rest assured, that glitter thing was a freakish one-off. Nothing that spontaneous or exciting will ever happen again. Not on my watch.”