Dusty skirting boards, and 18 other reasons your landlord won't return your deposit

LANDLORDS are always looking for new ways to act like pricks. Here are some shit excuses they’ll give for keeping your deposit.

Toilet not clean: What’s happened here is your landlord came round to inspect the flat, went for a shit and is now blaming that on you.

Dusty skirting boards: No one gives a toss about skirting boards. But somehow a few flecks of dust sees you £700 down.

Bins full: You moved out on Tuesday, the council don’t collect bins until Thursday. Would your landlord like the bin men to be able to time travel?

Dirty windows: Your landlord’s freaking out over a tiny smudge on your bathroom window. It’s frosted glass, you can’t see through it anyway.

Carpet looks worn: Carpets get worn. That’s the point. Did he expect you to levitate around the flat?

Fridge not cold enough: The fridge has never been cold enough while you lived there. Probably because it was purchased in 1982.

Leftover furniture: You bought an extra couch for the sitting room and now you’re losing your deposit? You’ve increased the value of that shithole if anything.

Bathroom smells of mildew: Your landlord said they’d fix this when you moved in. He never did, so now it’s your fault.

A single cobweb: You missed a tiny wisp of spider web, which will definitely cost the landlord the best part of a grand to clean. Definitely.

You never gave one: They lie and say you never gave them a deposit, so you can’t have it back.

Garden in a state: The minuscule patio has got some moss in the cracks. Garden not maintained, says your landlord.

Repainted the walls: Apparently your landlord really loved that original stained and peeling beige paintwork.

Smells of food: It’s the afternoon you’re moving out. You had some toast for lunch. But the landlord thinks smells are immovable.

You had a goldfish: When they said no pets you presumed it was to stop fur and shit being left everywhere. How did they even find out you kept a goldfish?

Flat too cold: You left the heating off during the three weeks that elapsed before they bothered coming to inspect. A pipe might have burst. You owe them.

Flat too warm: You left the heating on during the three weeks that elapsed before they bothered coming to inspect. A fire could have started. You owe them.

Curtains: When you moved in there were no curtains, so you got some cheap ones. They aren’t on the inventory, therefore you’ve committed an expensive crime.

Coins down the back of the sofa: What are they complaining about, you accidentally left them more money.

Roof leaking: You live in the basement flat in a shared block, how could it possibly be your fault that the roof’s f**ked? It is, though. Your landlord says so.

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Drinking alone only lonely for first bottle, drinkers report

THE nation’s drinkers have confirmed that drinking alone is only a lonely business for the first bottle, after which it is f**king fantastic.

Solo boozers have admitted their first solitary can, glass of wine or vodka-and-coke can feel a bit sad and desperate but advise drinking through it to make those worries simply evaporate.

Hannah Tomlinson, 29, said: “Miraculously this is a problem caused by drink that drink can easily solve.

“The social stigma, the health concerns, all those melt away once you’ve cleared that first bottle of wine. It goes from being an activity you’re unsure about to one you’re all in on.

“Trust me, you’ll need to lay in a few bottles because once you start you won’t want to stop. And you’ll come up with all kinds of other great ideas, like calling your ex, tearing down wallpaper or applying for Love Island.

“It’s even better than going out drinking because you wake up alone too, rather than in some dude’s flat opposite a framed Muse poster wondering what the f**k happened. There really is nothing better.”

She added: “There is the whole alcoholism thing. That’s kind of a problem. But, you know, I don’t want to harsh anyone’s buzz.”