Families with gardens as f**ked as everyone else if it rains

FAMILIES who have been smugly enjoying their outdoor space are just as f**ked as the rest of Britain as soon as the weather is bad.

Although people with gardens have recently been describing themselves in unbearable terms such as ‘grateful’ and ‘lucky’, it has emerged that a bit of rain reduces them to unhinged wall-climbers like everyone else.

Garden owner Francesca Johnson said: “People have said that this pandemic is a great leveller but that’s not true. A good dose of shit British weather is what really puts us all in the same boat.

“When it was sunny I was saying things to friends without gardens like ‘I don’t know how you’re coping’. But that was really my way of saying, ‘You’ve made some dreadful life choices, haven’t you?’

“Now I’m stuck inside with two children and only a batch of shit fairy cakes they’ve baked to look forward to. If the weather doesn’t pick up soon, I’m going to have to start talking to them. This is a nightmare.”


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Mums' WhatsApp group sharing helpful tips on freebasing

A GROUP of mums are supporting each other through lockdown by pooling their knowledge about getting high.

The mothers started messaging each other when the crisis began, and have branched out from sending homeschooling tips to sharing insights on scoring and smoking hard drugs.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I don’t know where I’d be without fellow mums helping me through this. It’s a stressful time and sometimes you just need to get turnt up.

“Emily sent some great collage ideas, and Lisa has been all over fun phonics exercises, but it wasn’t until Carolyn sent a guide to freebasing that we knew there was a way to cope with having our children at home.”

Carolyn Ryan said: “I came to a point where baking gingerbread men was not enough to get me through the day, which is when I thought about class As.

“It’s sweet because the dads have their own group too where they share advice about building treehouses and betting on backstreet dog fights.

“We all love our children and I’m so happy our little community is finding a way to be the best parents we can be.”