Couple in sexless lockdown experience taste of married life

A COUPLE going through a sexual rut during lockdown have been given a sneak preview of married life.

Martin Bishop and Emma Bradford are experiencing the matrimonial life they have often dreamed of as their desire for intercourse with each other has completely vanished.

Bishop said: “Just like a real married couple we had the honeymoon period where we’d go at it like rabbits in every room, but by the third day of lockdown the novelty had worn off.

“Also it’s difficult to keep the magic alive when you think your partner might have brought a deadly respiratory disease back with them from the shops.”

Bradford said: “My married friends told me it’s common for sex drives to dry up over time, only it usually takes a few years not a few hours.

“But I’m choosing to look at this in a positive light – Martin and I are so well matched that we’re already way ahead of the curve. The abstinent, joyless curve of a shagless marriage.”


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Britain rushes off to rubbish tips to get pissed

THE reopening of Britain’s rubbish tips has seen thousands of people head down there to dispose of a fridge and get wrecked. 

Tips have been closed for a month, leaving the country with no option but to fly-tip soiled mattresses in lay-bys while having the odd can, but the reopening of council waste disposal sites has been taken as the cue for an old-fashioned party.

Nathan Muir said: “Britain’s back on the road to normal, and me, this box of old VHS tapes I need rid of and this bottle of Bulleit Frontier Whiskey are going to celebrate.

“I’m heading down the tip where me and all the other blokes will throw some shit in a skip, then crack open the booze and have a big open-air piss-up.

“It’s always a party down there. Why do you think we’re re so keen to go on a Saturday afternoon? But after six weeks of social distancing it’ll be absolutely massive.

“I just hope I don’t pass out and wake up in a skip full of rotten fibreboard on a slow boat to China again. Mind you, probably safer there than here.”