Man trapped in never-ending Normal People nightmare

A MAN is trapped in a never-ending nightmare of his wife binge-watching Irish relationship drama Normal People.

Tom Booker cannot leave a room without returning to find a young Irish couple gently courting each other while not managing to say how they really feel.

He said: “I was watching it at first. But then when I refused to burn through four episodes in one night my wife called me an ‘uncultured f**king lightweight’ and abandoned me, forging ahead alone.

“She’s watching it on the telly, she’s watching it on her laptop, and I’m pretty sure I heard some stilted Irish voices coming from her phone when she was on the loo yesterday.

“I don’t get the appeal. Yes, there are sex scenes, but the whole school uniform thing makes them more awkward than they already are, which is very awkward indeed.”

Wife Sandra Booker said: “It’s romantic. I’m on my fourth watch and already looking forward to the fifth. Tom can do what he likes as long as he doesn’t get between me and the screen.”

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'Should I join TikTok?' and four other quarantine red flags

IN these difficult locked down times, it’s important to make sure you haven’t completely lost your mind without even realising it. Here are some of the biggest warning signs to watch out for.

Peanut butter straight from the jar

Going at the jar with a spoon is worryingly slovenly, but using your fingers is definitely a semi-feral cry for help. You’re better than this. Maybe try it on a slice of your 23rd loaf of banana bread instead?

Excessively elaborate meals

At the other end of the spectrum, if you’re spending six hours every day rustling up five-course Michelin-starred dishes for one whilst pretending to host your own cookery show, you are going mad. Put a frozen pizza in the oven and have a nice lie down.

Cocktail hour creep

Maybe these trying times mean your evening G&T can acceptably sneak back to 4pm but if you’re hitting the sauce in the presence of Phil and Holly or the BBC Breakfast team, it’s time to step away from the bottle and put the kettle on instead. And no, a ‘vodka tea’ is not acceptable.

The question ‘Should I join TikTok?’

Because the answer, for everyone’s sake, is clearly no.

Thriving 

By far the most worrying of the red flags. If you’re achieving your lockdown language goals, staying fit and healthy, and making the most of this opportunity to pause, reflect and upskill, you may well be a sociopath. And you can definitely f**k right off.