Are you horny because it's springtime or because you've been trapped at home for weeks?

EVERYBODY feels horny at the moment, but is it due to the sap rising and buds swelling or just because you haven’t had a shag for weeks on end?

What turns you on at the moment?

A) There’s just something about the warm air and the blossom in the trees. Though possibly all the porn I’ve been watching is contributing.

B) Literally anything and everything. Can I have sex with this table or would that be weird?

What season do you usually find most arousing?

A) Definitely spring, with its imagery of new beginnings, birds and bees and all of nature at it like rabbits.

B) I couldn’t care less what day, week, month or year it is. It could be pouring with icy rain in November and I’d still want to shag everything.

Does the warmer weather make you feel like taking your clothes off?

A) That’s probably got something to do with it. Speaking of which, I should probably wash these pants I’ve been wearing for six solid weeks.

B) Everything makes me want to take my clothes off, even the BBC News theme tune. Maybe I need help.

How are you expressing your springtime sexual desires?

A) Going on video dates, which usually ends up like watching amateur porn with particularly low production values but does the job.

B) I’ve developed a passionate sexual attraction to almost every item of furniture in my house.

Mostly As: It seems springtime is making you lustful, but that’s perfectly natural.

Mostly Bs: The lockdown is turning you into a pervert. Don’t f**k the table. There are only a few weeks to go and you’ll still have to use it afterwards.

Five stupid lists to share on social media if you're bored shitless

YOU’VE done your favourite albums, films and TV shows. But there are still months of lockdown to fill, so what other moronic lists can you and your Facebook mates share?

Top 10 best fruits

Gosh, how to limit it to 10? There’s bananas, oranges, apples, grapefruit – well, not grapefruit, no one likes grapefruit. But grapes, bananas – did we mention bananas already? Apples? Phew, what a fascinating challenge.

Notable roundabouts

No explanation, no clues as to their whereabouts – just put up 10 uncaptioned photos of roundabouts in the UK with some private significance to you. Invite 10 of your friends to submit their own, and order them to get 10 more friends to do the same. Angrily unfriend them if they refuse to take part in this tedious project.

Top 10 best Bond actors

Connery or Moore? George Lazenby versus Timothy Dalton? There have only been nine Bonds, even if you count David Niven and Barry Nelson, so drearily speculate about who COULD play Bond. Peter Davison or Jai Courtney? Who the f**k cares? 

The top 10 best religions

Catholicism, Sufism, Buddhism, Islam, Protestantism, Calvinism – which of these global faiths delivers the goods, and which are rubbish and will be consigned to the same dustbin of history as the Norse gods? Good natured banter guaranteed.

Sexiest 1970s weather forecasters

Barbara Edwards or Bill Giles? Michael Fish or that woman who did the forecast for Grampian TV from 1973 to 1975? Unlike Michael Fish, expect a hurricane – of pointless debate.