Family's Easter marred by accidental purchase of xenomorph eggs

A FAMILY’S Easter has been ruined after mistakenly buying the eggs of a fast-growing alien predator.

The Sheridan family’s extraterrestrial Easter nightmare occurred after dad Stephen saw the bargain eggs at a dodgy cash-and-carry where he gets cheap toilet paper and lager.

He said: “Sure, they didn’t look very nice, and there were weird sounds coming from them, but for £1.15 each I thought ‘That’s a fuck of a lot of chocolate’.

“I hid them in the wardrobe but then this morning I found our cat Reggie being suffocated by a creature stuck to its face. I managed to pull it off but it scuttled under the bed.

“I got a cricket bat to kill it with, but when I went back upstairs there were four massive alien bastards running around. I’ve no idea how they grew so quickly without any food.

“I twatted one them but its acidic blood went straight through the floor and melted our new fridge. My wife’s going to kill me. It was a Bosch.”

The family then played a deadly game of cat-and-mouse with the aliens before turning on the gas cooker and blowing up their house, luckily escaping through the patio doors with only seconds to spare.

Wife Donna Sheridan said: “I think one of them escaped and dismembered our neighbours Mr and Mrs Brown. But we’ve never got on since that disagreement about the fence.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

A five-step guide to pissing your time up the wall when working from home

DOES your boss stupidly allow you to spend days at home ‘working’? Here’s how to make the most of what is essentially a massive skive.

Be a smug bastard about your partner having to go to work

Make yourself a cup of tea, take it back to bed and lie there sipping smugly while they search desperately for the car keys you amusingly hid the night before.

Watch the whole of This Morning

You probably haven’t ingested this much inane nonsense through your eyeballs since the days of Richard and Judy, so while you plan on only watching five minutes you’ll sit through the whole two hours in a state of disbelieving glee.

Make an incredibly elaborate lunch

Your usual lunch at work is a sad egg sandwich eaten at your desk so make the most of having the kitchen to yourself by creating a masterpiece worthy of Heston Blumenthal and creating a lot of mess.

Spend the afternoon in an increasingly weird YouTube hole

Enjoy not having your boss monitoring your every move by watching a YouTube video of a duck that’s friends with a kitten. Then click on another video and another and another until you find you’ve wasted four hours but have become an expert on 9/11 conspiracy theories.

Panic because you’ve done absolutely fuck all work

Spend the remaining five minutes of your working day making up an elaborate lie to tell your boss about how you couldn’t do any work because there was a mysterious power cut between 9am and 5.30.