Family’s Easter marred by accidental purchase of xenomorph eggs

A FAMILY’S Easter has been ruined after mistakenly buying the eggs of a fast-growing alien predator.

The Sheridan family’s extraterrestrial Easter nightmare occurred after dad Stephen saw the bargain eggs at a dodgy cash-and-carry where he gets cheap toilet paper and lager.

He said: “Sure, they didn’t look very nice, and there were weird sounds coming from them, but for £1.15 each I thought ‘That’s a fuck of a lot of chocolate’.

“I hid them in the wardrobe but then this morning I found our cat Reggie being suffocated by a creature stuck to its face. I managed to pull it off but it scuttled under the bed.

“I got a cricket bat to kill it with, but when I went back upstairs there were four massive alien bastards running around. I’ve no idea how they grew so quickly without any food.

“I twatted one them but its acidic blood went straight through the floor and melted our new fridge. My wife’s going to kill me. It was a Bosch.”

The family then played a deadly game of cat-and-mouse with the aliens before turning on the gas cooker and blowing up their house, luckily escaping through the patio doors with only seconds to spare.

Wife Donna Sheridan said: “I think one of them escaped and dismembered our neighbours Mr and Mrs Brown. But we’ve never got on since that disagreement about the fence.”