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Father and daughter shaken and silent after driving lesson without screaming match

A MAN and his daughter have been left reeling after completing a driving lesson without any yelling incidents.

Father Wayne Hayes and daughter Lauren managed to get through the entire hour-long lesson without shouting abuse at one another as they slowly drove around a deserted B&Q car park and quiet residential areas.

Lauren said: “When I took my foot off the clutch too quickly for the seventh time I was convinced dad was going to explode. Instead he calmly told me I’d get the hang of it, which if anything rattled me more.

“To make things worse I didn’t accuse him of being patronising and even thanked him for his encouragement. That was when an eerie sense of familial bonding descended on the car. I’m still trying to get over it.”

Father Wayne added: “At one point Lauren was doing 7mph in a 5mph zone, yet I felt no compulsion to grab the steering wheel and call her a stupid mare at the top of my lungs. I probably need to see a doctor.

“If this carries on then we’re in danger of developing a mature relationship with healthy communication techniques. Before you know it we might say we’re quite fond of one another, or even use the L-word if we’re not careful.”

What downmarket crap will delight your kids most this half-term?

KIDS will hate the educational activities you have planned for half-term. However they will lovingly remember these lowbrow experiences forever:

The Pizza Hut buffet

Even if they can only eat two slices, your kids will be crazed with excitement at the idea of unlimited Meat Feast pizza and bacon bits from the salad bar. And don’t forget the ice cream factory, which will pump them full of so many E numbers they won’t sleep all week. They’ll cherish this much more than the gallery trips you had planned.

A film at a sticky-floored cinema

It smells like old popcorn, the trailers are ear-splittingly loud and someone is constantly rustling through snacks right next to your left eardrum, but the kids love it anyway. Meanwhile you’ve just sunk the best part of 50 quid to watch a film that’s bad on every level except extracting cash from the parents of undiscerning kids.

A soft play venue

Miserable enough at the best of times, soft play areas are even worse during half-term because they’re swarming with other people’s screeching offspring. And while your kids have fun jumping into ball pits, you get to sit in dead-eyed silence next to other parents while drinking lukewarm vending machine tea.

Pop Its

Pop Its are a sensory toy designed to relieve stress, which is pretty f**king ironic because the sound of your kids begging you to buy them another one will send your blood pressure through the roof. They’re just glorified re-usable bubble wrap made from lurid plastic, but no matter how many times you angrily explain this to your children they won’t listen.

Sweets from Poundland

Giving your kids a pound coin to blow on the sweet section will be the highlight of their week off. Meanwhile you’ll be left to shop for boring grown-up things like scouring pads or batteries. You’ll feel like a bad parent while browsing lint rollers, but they’ll appreciate this shopping trip more than that holiday in Center Parcs which took half a year to plan.