Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SALES assistant was distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

Dorothy Perkins worker Francesca Johnson was in floods of tears after shopper Nikki Hollis said she would no longer be purchasing unadventurous floral dresses from them in the future.

Johnson said: “It was during a lunchtime rush when I spotted her tapping her foot in the queue. Then she let out an over-dramatic sigh and I knew things were going to get worse before they got better.

“When she finally got to the till she had a go at me about the ‘unacceptable’ waiting time. Naturally I was racked with guilt, like a murderer. I pleaded with her that it was because of a dozy cow who tried to make a return without a receipt but she wasn’t having any of it.

“Just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse she looked me dead in the eye and told me she’d be going to Peacocks from now on instead. Then I felt a sense of crushing shame that I don’t think any human in history has previously experienced.”

Hollis said: “Is it too late to take back what I said? Peacocks’ clothes are piss-poor in comparison and I’m barred from everywhere else.”

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Is it an artisan food market or just a shit market? A quiz

DOES your neighbourhood have a hipster food market or a crappy old-school one? Find out with our quiz.

What is the nearest stallholder doing?

A) Smiling discreetly in a Monsoon dress and a cardigan they describe as ‘hygge vibes’.

B) Wearing a knock-off Manchester United shirt and repeatedly bellowing about three bananas for a pound.

What is for sale?

A) A very small display of locally produced honey, next to some recyclable business cards and leaflets about wildflowers that nobody’s touched.

B) Tubs filled with miscellaneous fruit and vegetables, bootleg perfume, and counterfeit beach towels with Disney-style characters on them.

Is there a stall selling soap?

A) There are four, all simmering with thinly-veiled rivalry over their jute twine packaging.

B) Yes, it’s the one selling women’s knickers, Toilet Duck, pan scourers and bars of Imperial Leather that fell off the back of a lorry.

Is there a chocolate stall?

A) Yes, but they’ve run out of chilli and cardamon truffles. May they suggest the matcha and hibiscus ganache instead?

B) If you ask for Darren on the fish counter he’ll fix you up with some out-of-date Twixes.

What are the shoppers carrying their purchases in?

A) A reusable twine basket which cost £50.

B) A tartan granny trolley, perfect for tripping up young folk who get too close.

What hot food is on offer?

A) Falafel burgers and churros served from the back of an old Airstream. Wanky payment methods preferred.

B) ‘Normal’ beef burgers and doughnuts. Strictly cash only to avoid the taxman.


Mostly As: It’s a trendy artisan market, as evidenced by the other shoppers who are wearing red chinos and Lacoste polo shirts. You will blow £30 on a bite of sourdough pizza you thought was a free sample.

Mostly Bs: Judging by its numerous health and safety violations, it’s a proper fruit and veg market. Clutch your thin blue plastic bag full of grapes in relief and be grateful that gentrification has passed your area by.