Friday, 14th May 2021

Fisherman's tranquil day of country drinking ruined by massive f**king fish

AN angler’s quiet day boozing amid the wonders of nature was completely ruined by catching a huge, smelly, slimy fish.

Stephen Malley was on his sixth can of Stella when his peace was shattered by a monster 20lb carp taking the bait he had almost forgotten was in the water.

Malley said: “I’m not that into fishing, but it does provide the perfect pretext to get leathered sat under a tree without people thinking you’re just a hobo.

“But then this f**ker had to come along and ruin it. I was happily dozing off and then next thing I know I’m locked in pissed mortal combat with something the size of my bloody dining table.

“Have you ever tried to grapple with basically the equivalent of a muscle-bound bar of soap after you have had a skinful? It’s a total nightmare.

And now I’ve got a giant fish taking up all the space in the fridge. I’m considering a new hobby based entirely around being absolutely shitfaced in the sun instead, like watching cricket.”