Monday, 10th May 2021

The twat's guide to ruining the beer garden for everyone else

THE bank holiday weekend probably means some long-awaited outdoor drinks. Here noted twat Ryan Whittaker gives his tips on how to spoil the experience for those around you.

Be loud

Speak as loudly as you can. Basically you should be shouting constantly. Remember to swear liberally and include plenty of detailed sexual imagery – especially if seated near children. Female friends should scream frequently to prove what a fantastic time they’re having.

Be obnoxious

When I arrive, I always complain about which table I’ve been given, even if it’s fine. It just makes me feel pleasantly important, even though I’m not. And if you’re spending 20 quid on booze that obviously gives you the right to treat the outdoor space like your own private garden. 

Get shitfaced immediately

You’ve missed out on a year of drinking, so it’s your God-given right to get hammered straight away. Have some 12 noon tequila shots to get things moving. Then get incredibly pissed and refuse to leave when your time’s up. Your tiresome argument with the pub manager will provide entertainment for people who just wanted a much-needed quiet drink.

Ignore the rules

Yes, you can only meet six people outdoors. But forget that. Just book four tables next to each other and pull them together for an instant 24-person party. Remember it’s fine to give everyone hugs and kisses when they arrive. Covid’s over now, otherwise the pubs wouldn’t be open.

Disrespect the staff

I don’t care if they’re worried about Covid. £8 an hour is good money for carrying a tray of Stellas over whenever I bellow at them. Also, if they think social distancing is going to stop me trying to chat them up, they’re dead wrong. I can still make lewd comments from two metres away, love.