Five baby things you spent a bloody fortune on that your child won't even remember

HAVING a child famously costs an absolute packet. Here are five eye-wateringly expensive purchases the ungrateful little shit won’t ever know you made.

The pram

With some of them coming in at around a grand, prams ain’t cheap. That said, your child will use it a lot. They’ll cry, snot, vomit and crap all over it. What they won’t do is remember ever having had it. They’ll grow out of it and you’ll sell it to a tight woman on Facebook marketplace who haggles you down to £30. Money well spent.

All the clothes 

Considering the mess, it would make sense to dress your spawn in cheap, identical sacks until they’re, say, 18. But society says no. Instead you spend a fortune on clothes from Next for a creature that never, ever stops growing. Within weeks the clothes are obsolete. The stores could at least sell clothes in ‘baby shit brown’ or ‘milk puke yellow’ to mask the stains. But they don’t. Con artists. 

The first birthday party

An event which fills guests with dread. Yes, it’s a colossal waste of time for everyone involved. The cake, the balloon arch, the catering, the presents, the entertainment. All for a child with a brain too stunted to remember or appreciate it. You might as well sing Happy Birthday to a baked potato. 

The ‘next to me’ cot

Back in the olden days, babies were tough. Parents shook their hand on the way out, said ‘Best of luck’ and that was that. Now you must have this expensive contraption which means you’re never more than an inch away from a baby screaming in your face at 1am. And 2am and 2.15am. Then suddenly they’re too old for it, but don’t worry – there’ll be something new to bankrupt yourself with.

The cute photo shoot 

As your baby is officially the cutest one ever born, you’ll need professional photos. Cue baby behaving like a total knob the entire time. Or sleeping through it. These tedious pictures usually end up on a USB stick you misplaced several years ago. But don’t worry, you had a photo book made up. One that’s currently getting irreparable water damage in the loft.

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The first snowdrops, and other things twee wankers get excited about

KNOW someone who thinks spring is here because they’ve seen one snowdrop? They’re probably excited about all this nonsense too:

The first snowdrops

Unbearably twee people rhapsodise over the first snowdrops of the year, thinking they herald the coming of spring. Sensible people just see these pathetic little flowers as a sign there are three more grey, depressing months to get through before it turns ever-so-slightly warmer.

The younger generation

Positive people believe the younger generation will find the answers to problems like climate change. They forget they’ll turn into an older generation and won’t care once they start buying cars and holidays. Plus they’ll want to feel superior to the next younger generation, eg. ‘They’d probably burst into tears if they had to use my old 30Mb broadband.’  

Garden birds

‘A chaffinch has started visiting my garden!’ happy idiots delightedly exclaim. Yes, in its robotic daily struggle to avoid starvation and get nest stuff so it doesn’t freeze to death. Anyway it’s only a bloody bird. It’s not like Jesus keeps popping round.

The nights drawing out

Cheerful bastards start harping on about the evenings getting lighter on December 22nd, despite the fact that it’s still pitch black by 4pm and you won’t actually notice any difference until March. They practically piss their pants with joy when the clocks go back, even though it’s likely to rain solidly for the next six weeks and summer will be shit anyway.

The future

Soppy bellends are somehow able to endlessly convince themselves that things are going to get better, despite a lifetime of evidence to the contrary. Your wife’s left you and keyed the words ‘cheating ballbag scum’ on your car? Never mind, they’ll say, things can only improve from here. Not really. You might get hit by a meteorite.