The lovely wallpaper: Six things the Sue Gray report is allowed to talk about

SUE Gray’s report on Downing Street parties might have to avoid reporting on Downing Street parties. But it can still talk about these things.

The lovely wallpaper

Everyone thought £840 per roll was extortionate. But whole chapters of Sue Gray’s report will be dedicated to explaining why the Lulu Lytle wallpaper was actually a good buy. There will be a sumptuous colour photo of it to dispel any doubts and you’ll think, ‘That’s quite nice, really.’ Another important Downing Street controversy laid to raid.

How bloody good the Met Police is

Forget the NHS, Gray will argue it’s the Met Police who have been the most valuable Britons over the last couple of years. Besides guarding Downing Street night and day, they’ve also taken a gruelling report off her hands. We should all applaud the police and Cressida Dick from our windows tonight at 8pm sharp.

Number 10’s excellent soundproofing

Downing Street might look a bit old and run-down, but it has excellent soundproofing, sparing neighbours unwanted noise like a couple having another blazing row. State-of-the-art acoustic insulation and foam panels mean you could hypothetically hold a rave in the basement and someone outside wouldn’t hear a peep. Of course that would never happen though.

Levelling up

No government report would be complete without mentioning levelling up. This chapter will be light on details but sound impressive, with dynamic pictures of trains and a big money pouch with a pound sign on it to distract you. ‘Levelling up’ will be mentioned in every sentence and by the end you’ll be wholeheartedly in favour simply due to the crude brainwashing.

Boris Johnson’s exercise routine

Our great leader can now stagger whole metres without keeling over, and it’s about time we recognised this amazing achievement. And all it took was a burning ambition to be PM to transform him from an overweight scruff into a slightly less overweight scruff. The public could learn a lot from his example.

That photo of Starmer drinking wine

This is the one party Sue Gray will be free to explore in forensic detail. Her meticulous research will uncover what type of wine it was, how much it cost the taxpayer and who made the glass he’s drinking from. These explosive findings will then be splashed across the Daily Mail front page for the next 30 years.

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Dear Donna: I compulsively dress as a builder whenever I'm in trouble. Is this normal?

DEAR Donna,

I can’t stop myself dressing like a builder. The moment I’m in trouble, which is a lot, I sneak off and put on my hi-viz and hard hat. Is this normal? 

I can’t help myself. I’m in the Commons taking questions and all I can think about is how comforting it will be when I slip into my steel-toed boots later. It’s an obsession. 

It only started because I was doing it for work, but it’s taken a hold on me. I’ve tried dressing up in lab coats and doctor’s scrubs but it doesn’t have the same proletarian thrill. 

It’s affecting my life. I leave parties early so I can dress as a builder and drink strong tea. Yesterday I had all kinds of important things to do but I invented a trip to a Welsh concrete factory just to feel the comforting embrace of a fluorescent orange coat. 

I’m in danger of losing my job but I can’t stop wearing the outfit and fantasising about being a self-employed contractor called ‘Mike’ who specialises in discouraging quotes for kitchen extensions. Can you help? 

Alex of London

Donna replies: Your growing obsession with workwear stems from some area of your life where you feel inadequate. Perhaps you’re out of your depth at work, perhaps your marriage is in trouble, or perhaps you’ve realised your entire life is a disaster. 

Dressing as a builder makes you feel life is simple, with nothing to worry about except when the bricks will arrive and guessing the pop year on Radio Solent. 

If you’re as terrible at your job as you say you are, what have you got to lose? Indulge your fascination with the construction lifestyle. Get a dirty white van that no tools are kept in overnight. Wear jeans spattered in cement. 

As you’re already a compulsive liar with a track record of unrealised construction projects, it sounds like you’re perfect for the job. Live your dream and make everyone happier.