SUE Gray’s report on Downing Street parties might have to avoid reporting on Downing Street parties. But it can still talk about these things.
The lovely wallpaper
Everyone thought £840 per roll was extortionate. But whole chapters of Sue Gray’s report will be dedicated to explaining why the Lulu Lytle wallpaper was actually a good buy. There will be a sumptuous colour photo of it to dispel any doubts and you’ll think, ‘That’s quite nice, really.’ Another important Downing Street controversy laid to raid.
How bloody good the Met Police is
Forget the NHS, Gray will argue it’s the Met Police who have been the most valuable Britons over the last couple of years. Besides guarding Downing Street night and day, they’ve also taken a gruelling report off her hands. We should all applaud the police and Cressida Dick from our windows tonight at 8pm sharp.
Number 10’s excellent soundproofing
Downing Street might look a bit old and run-down, but it has excellent soundproofing, sparing neighbours unwanted noise like a couple having another blazing row. State-of-the-art acoustic insulation and foam panels mean you could hypothetically hold a rave in the basement and someone outside wouldn’t hear a peep. Of course that would never happen though.
No government report would be complete without mentioning levelling up. This chapter will be light on details but sound impressive, with dynamic pictures of trains and a big money pouch with a pound sign on it to distract you. ‘Levelling up’ will be mentioned in every sentence and by the end you’ll be wholeheartedly in favour simply due to the crude brainwashing.
Boris Johnson’s exercise routine
Our great leader can now stagger whole metres without keeling over, and it’s about time we recognised this amazing achievement. And all it took was a burning ambition to be PM to transform him from an overweight scruff into a slightly less overweight scruff. The public could learn a lot from his example.
That photo of Starmer drinking wine
This is the one party Sue Gray will be free to explore in forensic detail. Her meticulous research will uncover what type of wine it was, how much it cost the taxpayer and who made the glass he’s drinking from. These explosive findings will then be splashed across the Daily Mail front page for the next 30 years.