SOCIETY expects women to look a certain way, but blokes have beauty standards to live up to as well, such as these bare minimum requirements:
An acceptable paunch
A protruding belly is easy to achieve because it’s inevitable once your metabolism conks out. A modest paunch is fine, so don’t give up the pizza, booze, and doing f**k-all exercise. Just try not to let it get out of hand or you’ll have to book two seats when travelling by plane.
Wonky teeth can be a bit of a turn-off if your date is particularly picky, but with luck they’ll find your crooked gnashers endearing. If your teeth are really all over the place just develop a funny personality and you’ll be able to coast along fine. Probably.
A hairline, any hairline
Don’t fret if your hairline has started receding or you’re sporting a formidable widow’s peak flanked by bald scalp. Thanks to society’s low expectations of male appearance you’ll still be considered attractive regardless of your barnet situation.
Occasionally trimmed pubes
Whereas women are judged no matter what they do with the hair in their nether regions, men can get away with a biannual strimming of their pubes. You can always tell when this infrequent shearing has occurred because your bath will be lined with a thick shag carpet made from short and curlies.
The faintest hint of muscles
Some men think they need bulging biceps and ripped abs to look attractive, but most people find a toned, Adonis-like physique a bit arrogant and repulsive. This means men only have to take out an expensive gym membership, curl their biceps once, and they’ll have achieved peak physical condition and be considered a hunk.