Five bare minimum beauty standards men have to live up to

SOCIETY expects women to look a certain way, but blokes have beauty standards to live up to as well, such as these bare minimum requirements:

An acceptable paunch

A protruding belly is easy to achieve because it’s inevitable once your metabolism conks out. A modest paunch is fine, so don’t give up the pizza, booze, and doing f**k-all exercise. Just try not to let it get out of hand or you’ll have to book two seats when travelling by plane. 

Straight-ish teeth

Wonky teeth can be a bit of a turn-off if your date is particularly picky, but with luck they’ll find your crooked gnashers endearing. If your teeth are really all over the place just develop a funny personality and you’ll be able to coast along fine. Probably.

A hairline, any hairline 

Don’t fret if your hairline has started receding or you’re sporting a formidable widow’s peak flanked by bald scalp. Thanks to society’s low expectations of male appearance you’ll still be considered attractive regardless of your barnet situation. 

Occasionally trimmed pubes

Whereas women are judged no matter what they do with the hair in their nether regions, men can get away with a biannual strimming of their pubes. You can always tell when this infrequent shearing has occurred because your bath will be lined with a thick shag carpet made from short and curlies.

The faintest hint of muscles

Some men think they need bulging biceps and ripped abs to look attractive, but most people find a toned, Adonis-like physique a bit arrogant and repulsive. This means men only have to take out an expensive gym membership, curl their biceps once, and they’ll have achieved peak physical condition and be considered a hunk.

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Was Winston Churchill the 20th century's greatest racist?

IN an odd move, the Winston Churchill Memorial Trust has dropped his first name because of his unacceptable views on race. But was he the greatest racist of his era? We investigate:  

Winston Churchill

Described white people as ‘a higher-grade race’ than native Americans, gassed Kurds, starved Indians and waged a six-year war against our European neighbours, especially the Germans. The evidence speaks for itself. 

Adolf Hitler

Much-maligned figure who had the sound judgement to largely confine his political ambitions to countries populated by white people, as white people should. So harshly trolled for his views he committed suicide. 

Benito Mussolini

Easily-led fascist Mussolini was peer-pressured into joining World War 2 by Germany and Japan. A former pal of Churchill, he can hardly be blamed for lashing out when his feelings were hurt. 

Joseph Stalin

Stalin’s many genocides were admirably based on class, megalomania and paranoia, rather than squalidly focusing on race. Also played the lead role in winning WW2 and crushing those evil white supremacists the Nazis, humbly taking only most of Eastern Europe as his reward. 


Ironically one of Churchill’s enemies hated black people and thought whites should run South Africa. If he and Churchill had hung out together more they would have got along famously and India would have stayed a colony, which just goes to show. 

Ron Atkinson

Vilified for using a racial slur on a live microphone and couldn’t even win Celebrity Big Brother in the Channel 5 era, effectively making him worse than Jim Davidson. However he was the first English manager to field three black players simultaneously, a claim Churchill can shamefully never make.