IT’S the moment you’ve been dreading – you’ve reluctantly agreed to let your 18-year-old daughter’s boyfriend ‘sleep over’. Here’s how to survive the worst night of your life.
7pm. He’s turned up and already dropped an overnight bag in her bedroom like he’s f**king moving in. They’re heading to the pub for a bit, and you find yourself guiltily hoping they have a massive row and she comes home alone and in tears wanting a hug from her dad.
7.30pm. Now they’re out of the way, sneak into her room and search her bedside drawers for condoms. Breathe a sigh of relief when you find nothing, then panic at the thought that they might not be using contraception and single-mumhood beckons, with childcare chores for you and mum.
10pm. She’s back and he’s still in tow. Force yourself to converse before realising he’s not into football. He’s also surprisingly unimpressed about how you once saw the singer from The Wonder Stuff in Sainsbury’s in 1992. Revert to pretending you’re reading something really interesting on your phone.
11pm. Here we go – they’re heading up to bed. Say your goodnights then turn the TV up to make sure you can’t hear anything – then scramble to hit the mute button every time you vaguely detect something which might have sounded like a squeaky bedspring.
Midnight. Creep up the stairs to bed, illogically trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to disturb them – even though it’s your f**king house. Happily it’s deathly quiet, so settle into bed to sleep – only to sit bolt upright when you wonder if they’ve shagged themselves into a state of total exhaustion.