They both play sport: Reasons why Gavin Williamson confused Marcus Rashford with Maro Itoje

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

They both play sport

Gavin Williamson is education secretary, which means the only subject he knows about is school, and he doesn’t even know much about that. He can’t be expected to follow professional football and rugby too, which is why he found this encounter so perplexing.

They’re both men

There are only two types of people in the world: men and women. Rashford and Itoje both have big muscles and no breasts, which puts them in the men category. How was poor Gavin Williamson meant to differentiate even further?

They’re both British

All British people sound the same, don’t they? They have exactly the same accent, and therefore it’s impossible to tell the difference between them. Gavin Williamson can’t figure out which British person is which, even his own family. Sometimes he mistakes his wife for Ronnie Corbett.

They both have heads

To be fair, the conversation Williamson thought he had with Rashford took place on Zoom, where you can only see someone’s head. As Itoje also has a head, it’s pretty easy to see where the confusion arose.

They both do more for children than he does

Rashford regularly faces down the government and Itoje is helping to tackle the school laptop shortage. Williamson, on the other hand, just f**ks up exams and sends children back to school in the midst of a pandemic. It must be baffling for him trying to distinguish between people who are better at his job than him, because there are millions.

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The Tory voter's guide to being betrayed yet again

THE government has once again reneged on the manifesto that swept it into power, like it always does. Practised Tory voter Wayne Hayes explains how to handle it:

Rewrite history

Embrace your denial by insisting that you actually voted for tax hikes back in 2019. When friends and family call you out on your bullshit, simply laugh and say they must be thinking of someone else. Just like the master, Boris himself.

Slam the opposition

Yes, this tax rise breaks a promise that the Conservatives made to the people, but that doesn’t mean it’s their fault. If anything we should be pointing a finger at the Labour party because they don’t have a credible alternative plan. Or for an easier target, blame the Lib Dems.

Remember the good times

Amid the pain of betrayal it can be hard to remember why you’re in this toxic relationship. Spend a while recall all the amazing memories you’ve made together, like when the Tories offered the NHS a pitiful pay rise, when Johnson said he’d let bodies pile high in their thousands, and of course Barnard Castle.

Practice self-care

I know, it sounds like hippy nonsense, but treachery can damage your mental health. Improve your well-being by reading The Telegraph in the bath then going fox hunting while listening to stirring military music. You’ll be dehumanising migrants again in no time.

Vote for them again next time

Giving duplicitous behaviour your unwavering support is the best way to break out of a cycle of betrayal and misery. What else are you going to do, change your behaviour, endorse a party that’s more sincerely aligned to your needs, and risk your life actually improving? Sounds horrendous.