HAVE your twenties disappeared into life’s rear-view mirror? It’s time to take these clothes to the charity shop, or better yet burn them:
Young men with thin legs look lithe and youthful, whereas older men with thin legs look withered and atrophied. Once you’ve hit the latter bracket, it’s time to ditch the skinny jeans in favour of comfortable slacks. They hide your stick-man pins and have a waistline forgiving of a beer belly.
Even if you own a genuinely hilarious T-shirt, which you don’t, it will look tragic when stretched over your bloated, fleshy body. In most cases it isn’t even an ironic T-shirt, it’s simply a shallow fusion of two pop culture images that you have a passing interest in. And you paid £40 for it like a moron.
Only toned hunks who would shame Adonis can get away with wearing Speedos, which rules out most of the male population in their thirties. If you do fall into this chiselled category make sure you upload dozens of obnoxious selfies to your Tinder profile. Apparently this is compulsory behaviour for your sort.
Men over the age of 30 need to be careful with any type of hat, but beanies are especially criminal. They resemble large knitted condoms and wearers look either like a child going out in the snow or a small-time weed dealer who still lives with his parents and wishes his life was like Breaking Bad.
If you were wearing Velcro shoes after primary school you were already pushing your luck, and if you’re shuffling around in them as an adult it explains why you’re still single. Can’t face the prospect of tying laces? Don’t worry. Slip-on Chelsea boots were specially invented for simpletons like you.