What f**king irritating noise is your partner making today?

LOVE is eternal and so is the infuriating sound of your partner going about their daily life. Which noise is worst today?


Mastication is the CD Satan plays in hell. The law should be updated to include listening to your partner loudly consuming a lasagne as reasonable grounds for divorce.

Loading the dishwasher

Your partner is not capable of normal dishwasher-loading but instead employs a passive-aggressive style with lots of deliberate crashing sounds, specifically designed to make you suffer every crash when you’re trying to ignore it and be selfish on your phone.

Talking on the phone

Yes, OK, they’re working to earn money to pay the mortgage, but can’t they do it entirely silently? Do they really have to use the phrase ‘end of play’? And did you actually hear an obsequious work laugh chosen to signal subservience to an office alpha?


Definitive proof that evil exists, because the person making the noise gets to sleep oblivious, while you grind your teeth into your pillow, fantasise about kicking them ferociously in the shins and then settling for a hard elbow to the gut until they grunt and shift and, for a few moments, stop.

Singing, humming, or whistling

In their mind your partner is Mariah Carey, casually chirping out a few melodious bars as they go about their daily business. In your mind they are Katie Price murdering ‘A Whole New World’, and deserve to be murdered in turn.


No one can help sneezing, it’s a natural human process. But they can help embellishing their sneezing with an ear-splittingly loud noise that falls somewhere between a shout and a guard-dog’s bark of alarm, followed by lot of irritating sniffing.

Farting in another room

While theoretically discreet, your partner is unaware that, due to the low-quality sound insulation in your home, you can hear this as clearly as if they are sitting next to you saying, ‘Want to be put off shagging me forever?’

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How to turn down sex in a way that makes you both feel bad

TELLING your partner you’re not up for sex is an integral part of any relationship. Try these ways to make you both feel awful:

Start an argument

A great way to distract from any sexy vibes is to create a conflict that leaves you both angry, horny and confused. Whether you’re bringing up an ongoing relationship issue out of nowhere, or merely complaining about the way your partner leaves their shoes in the hall, it’ll kill any spark of desire.

Explain in painful detail why you’re saying no

Clarity is key in relationships, particularly in the delicate matter of sex. The more specific reasons you can give for not wanting to bone – be it their personal hygiene, your digestive issues, or something your Mum said to you on the phone yesterday – the quicker you will destroy all amorous feelings.

Say you’re not in the mood

The stars must align for both partners in any normal relationship to be up for a shag at the same time, and such a miracle is so rare that simply ‘not feeling like it’ is a perfectly legitimate excuse. It’s also deeply depressing for both parties, as there is no way of knowing when, if ever, the mood will strike again.

Suggest an alternative, much less fun, activity

There are many ways to bond, and although none of them are as good as going at it like the clappers, many activities are more practical and productive. Why not declutter the cupboard under the stairs together? Or do some batch cooking so that next week’s meals are sorted? It’s way less pressure.

Schedule a time for when you do feel like it

The easiest way to kill your sex drive is knowing exactly when you’re expected to feel horny. While making time for intimacy is important, nothing makes it less alluring than trying to squeeze it in between taking the car to be serviced and a visit to the in-laws.