A DAY trip to the seaside can be fun, but also burden you with a lot of unwanted shit. Chuck these things immediately:
Bits of crab
With the pandemic at the forefront of parents’ minds, a beach with the tide out is essentially a Western wet market. The assorted bits of crab your kids have lovingly brought home may as well be pangolin scales and bat claws. Ditch, disinfect, and give everyone a lateral flow test immediately.
Grab machine Peppa Pig
It would have been cheaper to buy the rights to Peppa Pig than to spend an hour pumping pound coins into a grab machine with the grip strength of an arthritic grandmother. Discretely pop it in the bin when you get home and spin your child some sentimental bullshit about poor Peppa missing her family.
Crawling around in the sand and paddling near sewage overflow pipes are what seaside days are all about. Until you come to wash the swimsuits and they’re full of ice cream, seaweed, used sanitary towels and more sand than was originally on the beach. Washing them will only clog the drains. Throw away and start again.
For three minutes the most important thing in your kids’ lives are nodding dogs for the car. Then it’s baseball caps that hold drinks, then sticks of rock with their names through them. Tell yourself you’ll keep the receipts, instantly misplace them and bin it all when your children lose interest in the moment they get home.
You’re 37 seconds late back to the car and you’ve got a parking ticket. Get angry, say there’s no way you’re paying it and chuck it straight in the bin. Feels good now but you’ll regret it when a County Court Judgement drops through the door two months later.