Utter dicks to waste three days of sunshine on DIY

A LOAD of complete wankers are blowing a sunny bank holiday after lockdown on steaming off wallpaper or some shit. 

Around the country, the worst bellends are queueing up in B&Q, repointing brickwork, painting skirting boards and putting shelves up when they could be getting wrecked in the garden.

Contemptible twat Nathan Muir said: “I’ve been really looking forward to pulling all these dado rails off. I can’t wait to get stuck in.

“I already retiled the bathroom over Easter. The neighbours had family round drinking and singing in the garden until 2am. I know because I was still up grouting.

“My mate Nigel’s replacing his whole kitchen because it’s been in three-and-a-half years, his wife’s moaning and it’s well overdue a refresh. Now there’s a guy who knows how to spend a bank holiday. I envy him.”

Donna Sheridan said: “To be fair, last August bank holiday I did paint a set of bookshelves mauve. I don’t remember doing it. They weren’t my bookshelves. I don’t even know where I got the paint from.

“I was obviously blackout drunk, but that’s the point of a bank holiday.”

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The barefaced lies it's perfectly fine to tell your friends

HAVING friends can be a pain in the arse. Here are some porkies it’s entirely acceptable to tell them to get them off your back.

‘I’d love to come to your gig’

You’ve no intention of traipsing out in the cold to watch your mate self-indulgently play guitar, and will come up with some lame excuse on the night. Just make sure they never find out you were drinking in a pub four doors away with all their other friends who did the same thing because, weirdly, they’re not into incredibly shit bands.

‘This meal is delicious’

You’ve run out of dinner party invite excuses and now you’ve got to lie through your teeth about their badly-seasoned, undercooked cuisine. The cruel irony is that they’ll be even keener to ask you round again. Sadly, a no-win situation, so chow down on that bland attempt at ‘curry’.

‘You look stunning in that dress’

Apart from the fact that the figure-hugging lines make her arse look massive – or one of many other problems. However, no one in their right mind will tell their friend that, because you then run the risk of them delivering a few home truths about your appearance. It’s an accepted ‘clothing code of silence’ between friends.

‘Sorry mate, I’m skint’

The only way to deal with that friend everyone has who’s always on the beg for cash. Claim you’ve inexplicably not been paid yet, or your car’s fallen apart. It’s bollocks but the tedium of listening to your fictitious financial woes should stop them pestering you. 

‘I can’t stop…’ 

Everyone dreads getting collared in the street by that one boring friend who wants a long conversation about their new flat or the deteriorating health of their f**king cat. Claim you’re late for the dentist’s or something. Add to the authenticity by pulling a stressed-looking face and breaking into a silly half-jog as you leave.