Jesus was white, and four other batshit things your nan believes

VISITING the elderly is an odd and dislocating experience. Here are some of the weird beliefs you may have to contend with when visiting Nan:

Modern music is evil

Your nan will say she loves music, and might even boast an extensive record collection. However, anything recorded after The Carpenters was created to make young people do drugs, reject authority and do ‘gender bending’. Don’t get her started on rap music.

Jesus was white

Despite him being born in the Middle East your nan will refuse to accept that Jesus wasn’t paler than Mick Hucknall. If you question this she’ll just point to a nearby print of a very pale bearded man and say ‘Well how do you explain that?’ as if it were photographic proof.

Things were better in the past

Despite living standards being significantly lower by almost every possible metric, be prepared to hear that the 1950s were some halcyon time to grow up. If you ignore: rationing, smog, slums and being vaporised by a Russian atom bomb. 

Medicinal old wives’ tales

If you mention to your nan that you’re feeling under the weather, she’ll immediately start spouting some medieval-sounding medical advice. You’ll leave her house with instructions to bin your paracetamol and simply drink a horrific cocktail of boiled dandelions, vinegar and cod liver oil.

Anything to do with babies

Pray that the subject of child-rearing never comes up. If it does, be prepared for a lecture on how to properly raise children that sounds like something from the Old Testament, full of phrases such as ‘iron discipline’ and ‘strict boundaries’. Suddenly all of your mum’s neuroses will make sense.

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Carrie Symonds' mental letters to newspapers

CARRIE Symonds, as a PR professional and divorcé’s nightmare, writes daily letters to newspapers which are intercepted and burned. Here are some of them: 

Dear Daily Mail,

As one of the nation’s leading tastemakers, I have remodelled Downing Street to somewhere more befitting of a global leader than the John Lewis nightmare it was under that bitch May. I wondered if you would like do an at-home with Boris and me so we can showcase my impeccable taste to the world?

Yours, Carrie

Dear Times,

The suggestion that Boris hates Dilyn is utter nonsense, and his comment ‘I will kill that bloody hound with a brick’ was taken out of context. Devote your entire front page to an apology, please.

Yours, Carrie

Dear Daily Telegraph, 

A recent article by someone who does not know my husband at all and merely worked with him for years has told lies about him, but more importantly about me. Unless the phrases ‘golddigger’, ‘Lady Macbeth’ and ‘Princess Nut Nut’ are banned from your paper immediately, and a correction printed that states ‘Boris and Britain are lucky to have her’, you will be at the back of the queue when it comes to policy leaks. 

Yours, Carrie

Dear Guardian, 

I’m just like one of your readers! I care about climate change, racism and feminism and other liberal issues. Therefore I would like to offer you a candid profile piece, written by myself in the third person, headlined ‘Could Carrie be the saviour of Downing Street?’ I expect your acceptance by return post.

Yours, Carrie

Dear West End Extra, 

As my local newspaper, it is incumbent on you to tell the truth about the area. It therefore gives me no pleasure to report that Rishi Sunak does not separate his recycling, that his wife thinks she is better than us just because she’s a billionaire, and we smell him smoking weed in the Rose Garden. Please print this.

Yours, Anonymous (Carrie)

Dear Times, 

You’re doing a fantastic job defending Boris in everything he does, just like Rupert told you to. When everyone else had Cummings on the front page you had Boris, Dilyn and a bollocks report about him cracking down on dognapping. Great work, see you at Chequers.

Yours, Carrie