VISITING the elderly is an odd and dislocating experience. Here are some of the weird beliefs you may have to contend with when visiting Nan:
Modern music is evil
Your nan will say she loves music, and might even boast an extensive record collection. However, anything recorded after The Carpenters was created to make young people do drugs, reject authority and do ‘gender bending’. Don’t get her started on rap music.
Jesus was white
Despite him being born in the Middle East your nan will refuse to accept that Jesus wasn’t paler than Mick Hucknall. If you question this she’ll just point to a nearby print of a very pale bearded man and say ‘Well how do you explain that?’ as if it were photographic proof.
Things were better in the past
Despite living standards being significantly lower by almost every possible metric, be prepared to hear that the 1950s were some halcyon time to grow up. If you ignore: rationing, smog, slums and being vaporised by a Russian atom bomb.
Medicinal old wives’ tales
If you mention to your nan that you’re feeling under the weather, she’ll immediately start spouting some medieval-sounding medical advice. You’ll leave her house with instructions to bin your paracetamol and simply drink a horrific cocktail of boiled dandelions, vinegar and cod liver oil.
Anything to do with babies
Pray that the subject of child-rearing never comes up. If it does, be prepared for a lecture on how to properly raise children that sounds like something from the Old Testament, full of phrases such as ‘iron discipline’ and ‘strict boundaries’. Suddenly all of your mum’s neuroses will make sense.