'Is it cheating if we just have sex?' Stupid questions you shouldn't have to Google

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled…

Is it cheating if we just have sex?

If you’re with a partner and shagging someone else you know perfectly well you’re cheating, or you wouldn’t be turning to a search engine to assuage your guilt. It’s like googling ‘Am I driving a car?’ when you’re currently looking for a parking space. 

How to cook toast?

Toast is the simplest hot food to prepare. You put the bread in the slots then push down the lever. Here’s a handy troubleshooting checklist: is the toaster plugged in? That’s it. Honestly, it’s a piece of piss. As to how the setting dial works, that’s baffling and scientists haven’t figured it out yet.

Am I confident?

The fact that you’re googling this indicates that no, you are not confident, sorry. Even though you’ll be presented with lots of links to articles that try to convince you otherwise, remember they’ve all been written by other insecure losers who are probably trying to sell you a self-help book.

Are the Tories bad?

People do actually ask Google who to vote for. Try reading or watching the news and you’ll realise our current government are a bunch of self-serving incompetents. And by not googling it you’re less likely to be added to be added to Priti Patel’s database of potential traitors. Paranoid? Yes. Is she thinking about it? Also yes.

What is the time?

Unless you need to know the time down to the exact picosecond for some reason, just look at the clock display on the device you’re using to ACCESS THE F**KING INTERNET. If that’s still too technologically advanced, then look at one of your wrists – the answer is probably right there.

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Six day trips from your childhood to inflict on your kids this weekend

PLANNING a family day trip this weekend? Here’s how to perversely take revenge on your own children for all the crap day trips you had to go on.

Go somewhere that’s as boring as f**k to kids

Cathedrals are good, with their solemn atmosphere and dull information about the buttresses being replaced in 1561. But don’t rule out other non-attractions, eg. the Leicester Gas Museum. If your kids have completely blank expressions throughout, they’re feeling your pain.

Go somewhere that’s of no obvious interest to anyone

Try a featureless local reservoir. Walk aimlessly around a flat, grey expanse of water – you can’t go swimming because you’ll get sucked into a pipe – then just get in the car and go home. It’s been a classic day trip from your childhood. Speaking of which…

Spend a huge amount of time in the car

Spend so long in the car it becomes a day trip in itself. Five hours is about right. Ideally one child should suffer from car sickness, resulting in humiliating vomiting in a lay-by. There’s also ample time for arguing and crying, and for the full 80s experience make them listen to Shakin’ Stevens all the way.

Underwhelming Roman stuff 

Roman sites like the walls of Chester would be incredible if there were actual Romans there, with crucifixions every hour and hapless Christians being fed to lions. But there aren’t.

Find the shittest zoo

The giraffes and penguins at London Zoo are amazing. Don’t go there. Instead find a small zoo with nondescript mammals that are some species of tapir or otter. Or find a zoo where you just stare listlessly at empty enclosures, making you unsure whether they’re out-of-use or the monkeys are clinically depressed.

Go somewhere that’s shut

Make it somewhere exciting like Legoland, only to find it isn’t open that day or closed 25 minutes ago. This will teach your children a valuable lesson in the many disappointments of life.