Five desperate ways to still think Boris Johnson is doing his best

DOMINIC Cummings has damned Boris Johnson by saying tens of thousands of people needlessly died. If you’re a diehard Boris supporter, here’s how to pretend he’s still great.

Cummings is a liar

You believed him over the Barnard Castle thing when Boris was sticking up for him, but he was obviously a big fibber all along. Apart from his Vote Leave campaign, of course. Anything that led to Brexit is the gospel truth.

Poor Boris was ill

Who could expect Boris to be on top form last summer after he’d been so ill? You’d think he’d have developed some empathy after being in intensive care and not talked about bodies piling high, but he was probably just tired and cranky rather than being a horrible narcissist.

I couldn’t do any better

Tell yourself this, despite the evidence clearly pointing to Johnson f**king things up. Don’t remind yourself that he’s been gunning to be prime minister since Eton and should therefore be capable of the job he desperately wanted.

He was prepared to be injected with Covid on telly

Surely the mark of a heroic leader prepared to do anything for his country? Apart from the fact that it would have been monumentally stupid, it’s the kind of bullshit hubris that got us here in the first place and he probably would have died, it’s a great plan.

At least he’s not Matt Hancock

At the very least, you can comfort yourself with the fact that Boris isn’t Matt Hancock, who is allegedly an even bigger liar than the Prime Liar himself. Not that this means he’ll be fired. What a great government.

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Standing like a f**king weirdo: 15 to 20 other reasons Hancock should have been fired

NOT been paying attention to the news for the last few years? Here are all the reasons the health secretary should have been given the boot long ago.

Standing like a f**king weirdo right next to Wendy Maisey. It was before the pandemic but it still counts.

Having a head that looks like it was drawn on a balloon.

Sweeping people into care homes before they were tested with the stiff broom of his ignorance.

Owning and displaying that f**king weird portrait of the Queen.

Dropping the ball on PPE during a pandemic. Rookie mistake.

Then claiming there was never a national PPE shortage while nurses were forced to wear bin bags.

Allowing the Cheltenham Festival to go ahead in 2020.

Giving vital Covid testing contracts to his friends/local landlord/entire list of WhatsApp contacts.

The way he laughs.

Pretending to cry on Good Morning Britain. What f**king weirdo does that?

Having the demeanour of someone who asks questions at the end of a long meeting.

Literally running away from reporters asking perfectly reasonable questions.

Absolutely butchering ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ during the Tory party conference. You can find it on YouTube but honestly don’t, it’s excruciating.

Thinking that wearing that little NHS pin badge makes him look like a decent human being.

Defending the proposed 1% pay rise for nurses.

Just being an oleaginous, slippery, snivelling, estate agent-looking shifty prick.