SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.
You’re holding the bloody thing less than 10 inches from your head, so don’t bend your elbow a fraction and instead turn on speaker mode, irritating everyone within earshot with your dullard conversations. At least it’s amusing for others when your chat unexpectedly turns into an argument.
Shooting videos in portrait
From little Johnny blowing out his birthday candles to a once-in-a-lifetime event like witnessing a typhoon twister in the back garden, smartphones are brilliant at capturing the big moment – so long as you hold the f**king thing the right way round. Remember: your TV doesn’t show programmes in a narrow vertical bar.
Stupid Snapchat filters
You hold in your hand the technology to explore the entire world via the wonders of the internet, so obviously the best way to make use of this is to take ridiculous selfies sporting pretend rabbit ears or a halo of stars. Tim Berners-Lee would be proud of you.
Counting your steps
You’ve survived your entire life without the need to know exactly how many times you’ve put one foot in front of the other, so what’s changed? Make sure everyone knows just how clever you and your phone are by telling them you’ve covered 7,358 strides today, 236 up on your median figure for the past fortnight, then wonder why you don’t have any friends.
Playing tinny music
For all their ingenious talents, one thing smartphones are absolutely shit at is playing music – unsurprising given they don’t have proper speakers or even a decent basic subwoofer. As with all phone activities that make a noise, you should share it with the people around you.