Five things your kids didn't tell you they urgently need for school tomorrow

READY for a relaxing evening? Nice try. Here are five things your kid has remembered they need for school in the morning.

A packed lunch for a school trip

Three months ago you paid for a school trip which your kid has just realised is happening tomorrow. As they usually have school dinners, you have f**k all in to make a sandwich with. This is why they spend lunchtime at the local industrial museum eating two slices of out-of-date panettone filled with salad cream and picked onions.

A fancy dress costume

It’s 10.37pm and your child has come downstairs to tell you they need a costume for tomorrow’s ‘Romans Day’ at school. You spend the night tearing your hair out trying to fashion them a centurion’s helmet, before giving in, putting a sheet on their head and telling them they’re going as ‘ghost of Julius Caesar’.

The ingredients for a risotto

They wait until after the Tesco Metro at the end of the road is closed to announce that they’ve got food technology tomorrow and need ingredients for a risotto, including arborio rice, fresh sage and gran padano. You come back from the 24-hour garage with basmati, dried parsley and Cheese Strings, and pray you won’t have to sample their creation the next day.

£500 for the class skiing holiday

Remember a vague conversation about a skiing trip to Chamonix next Christmas? Well, your kid took that as a firm yes, and you have to pay the deposit tomorrow. After attempting to explain about the cost of living crisis, you give in and put it on the credit card, while mentally despairing over the further costs of flights, ski jackets and salopettes.

A leaving gift for the teacher

Mrs Griffiths is leaving tomorrow, and there’s going to be a big assembly that you need to attend, and also you need to bring a present. You’ll have no time to buy one tomorrow, so search around the house instead, finally finding an almost-full bottle of Scotch that you can top up with water and no one will be any the wiser. Anyway, she’s a teacher, you reason, so she’ll be desperate to drink anything.

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Woman's 'hot girl summer' mainly consisting of crisps

A YOUNG woman has chosen eating crisps as the main way she will be enjoying this year’s supposed ‘hot girl summer’.

Nikki Hollis, 27, has decided to ignore articles and social media posts advising her to buy expensive beauty products, floaty summer dresses and buckets of Aperol Spritz in favour of splashing out on sharing bags of Walkers.

Hollis said: “I hear the phrase ‘hot girl summer’ constantly, but no one seems to know what it actually means. It crops up a lot in women’a magazines alongside features about this season’s hottest open-toed sandals which makes me suspicious that it’s just capitalist bullshit for idiots, like all other so-called ‘trends’.

“So, instead of getting involved in that, I’m going to spend the summer eating crisps in front of the telly. The only sun I’ll be seeing this year is the one beating down on the contestants of Love Island, while I inhale bags of Monster Munch.

“Am I limiting myself when all my friends will be out living their best lives? Maybe. But Megan Thee Stallion, who invented the phrase, says that being a ‘hot girl’ is about being unapologetically you.

“Which for me is not being ashamed about stuffing down half a kilo of Dorito’s Chilli Heatwave, and then licking the bags afterwards.”