Five times you're not sure you'll survive your next shit

TOO much abuse of your body will build up terrible monstrosities in your colon. Here are some of the times you’ll fear you’ve pushed it too far.

After a heavy curry

You talk a big game about your spice tolerance, but you can’t actually handle a vindaloo. Now your stomach is making noises so loud and awful that you’ve killed the romance of this date stone dead. An eruption of colossal magnitude is coming, and it could raze both you and the restaurant to the ground.

Boys’ night out

One lager won’t do any harm, so it’s a shame you went and had nine instead. You’ve got more gas inside you than the Nord Stream pipeline and your morning after toilet trip is destined to be the kind of atrocity that is solemnly reported by Huw Edwards on News at Ten.

Before a job interview

Stressed out by having to remember all the bullshit reasons you want this job, your insides have been churning themselves around like a malfunctioning washing machine. Time to decimate the nearest Costa bathroom before slipping out and pretending that stench has nothing to do with you.

Having eaten dodgy leftovers

As your digestive tract is pulsing with the angry rhythm of Dave Grohl in a temper, you have come to the realisation that the weirdly grey ham in the fridge was not fine, after all. A mass exodus of half-digested misery is on the way, and you can only pray it will just come out of one end.

After several morning coffees

Three caffeine injections in quick succession got you up and awake efficiently, but at what cost? You fear the jittery energy in your body goes right through to your arsehole, and you’ll soon be generating a tsunami that leaves you a dry, withered husk.

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'I voted for this' says dickhead

A STUPID man has declared he was the one who voted for all of the current political and financial turmoil, it has emerged.

Wayne Hayes has ended weeks of speculation over who exactly voted for a devalued pound, soaring food prices, a threat to the triple lock pension, frequent U-turns and Jeremy Hunt by proudly claiming responsibility.

He said: “I don’t usually like to talk about politics. But seeing as the papers and those Greenpeace crusties have asked: it was me. I was the one who voted for all of this.

“Binning the chancellor and reneging on dozens of promises wasn’t spelled out during Liz Truss’s leadership bid, but if you read between the lines it was pretty easy to predict. Everything has panned out exactly as I wanted and I couldn’t be happier.

“Increasing mortgage rates is one in the eye for people who take taxis from north London townhouses to BBC studios, and ending energy bill support will deliver the growth this country desperately needs. I’d vote for it all again tomorrow if I had the chance.

“It’s hard to believe I’m the only one though. I was hoping my Spartacus-style confession would prompt a legion of like-minded voters to fess up and stand by me in solidarity. It’s just me though. Odd.”