TOO much abuse of your body will build up terrible monstrosities in your colon. Here are some of the times you’ll fear you’ve pushed it too far.
After a heavy curry
You talk a big game about your spice tolerance, but you can’t actually handle a vindaloo. Now your stomach is making noises so loud and awful that you’ve killed the romance of this date stone dead. An eruption of colossal magnitude is coming, and it could raze both you and the restaurant to the ground.
Boys’ night out
One lager won’t do any harm, so it’s a shame you went and had nine instead. You’ve got more gas inside you than the Nord Stream pipeline and your morning after toilet trip is destined to be the kind of atrocity that is solemnly reported by Huw Edwards on News at Ten.
Before a job interview
Stressed out by having to remember all the bullshit reasons you want this job, your insides have been churning themselves around like a malfunctioning washing machine. Time to decimate the nearest Costa bathroom before slipping out and pretending that stench has nothing to do with you.
Having eaten dodgy leftovers
As your digestive tract is pulsing with the angry rhythm of Dave Grohl in a temper, you have come to the realisation that the weirdly grey ham in the fridge was not fine, after all. A mass exodus of half-digested misery is on the way, and you can only pray it will just come out of one end.
After several morning coffees
Three caffeine injections in quick succession got you up and awake efficiently, but at what cost? You fear the jittery energy in your body goes right through to your arsehole, and you’ll soon be generating a tsunami that leaves you a dry, withered husk.