Five useless pieces of trivia your brain will never forget

THE human brain is a complex organ capable of amazing things. Unfortunately all yours does is retain this utterly useless trivia:

Octopuses have three hearts

Not only do octopuses have shitloads of limbs, they’ve got extra tickers. One circulates blood around the body, while the other two pump the red stuff to its tentacles. Sadly, this piece of information is totally useless in terms of your job and personal life. Try to forget it.

Viggo Mortensen broke his toes in The Two Towers

Footage of the Aragorn actor shattering his foot even made it into the final cut of the film. It’s during that bit where he kicks an Uruk helmet while looking for Merry and Pippin. The only time this piece of trivia would be useful would be if you were actively trying to repel a date on movie night.

Comprehensive sporting statistics

Most people have a passing knowledge of the important results, but whole lobes of your brain have been dedicated to memorising worthless minutiae about darts. Just like your collection of old newspapers and drawer full of miscellaneous cables, this will never, ever be of benefit. Bang your head on a door frame to free up space.

Only the King of Hearts doesn’t have a moustache

The rules of patience elude you, and even games of snap are a bit beyond your level, yet somehow this piece of playing card trivia has been filed in the depths of your brain’s mental hard drive. But unlike the random info which makes that kid rich in Slumdog Millionaire, this uninteresting fact will earn you f**k all.

A jiffy is 1/60th of a second

Coincidentally, one sixtieth of a second is also the length of time even the most QI-obsessed bore will be engaged by this piece of trivia. Physicists who need to measure time precisely don’t even care that much, so you’re probably better off learning something worthwhile, like how to have a normal conversation.

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The modern dad's car playlist you think is cool but your kids will hate

EVERY dad knows the coolest bands ever were the ones you were listening to in your drink and drug-addled 20s. Here are the bands your kids will think just make you a bit of a twat.

The Levellers

You never had the balls to dreadlock your hair, get a dog on a piece of string and smash capitalism, so The Levellers’ brand of earnest folk rock was a great way to rebel while finishing your degree. Your kids will just wonder why dad’s making them listen to folk music.

The Prodigy 

Being into The Prodigy’s edgy, anarchic electro-punk in the early 90s made you feel cooler than all your mates, and quite frankly, a bit tough. Modern kids will just identify a disjointed, aggressive din, but it will reduce your journey time by making you drive faster.

Portishead

Bristol’s finest – which isn’t saying much – are the timeless epitome of everything hip and cool about trip-hop. Just make sure there are no Paracetamol in the glove compartment in case you decide to kill yourself on the school run. 

Verve

Pompous alt-rock but you still think Urban Hymns is a milestone of modern music. The kids will hate it, and quite rightly for the pretentious string section. Let them listen to Katy Perry instead.

The Orb

The psychedelic, spaced-out musical meanderings of London DJs Alex Paterson and Jimmy Cauty were the perfect chill-out antidote when you were coming down from class-A drug-fuelled clubbing in the late 80s. However the waves of dull ambient house might make your children nod off on the five-hour drive to Weymouth.

The Stone Roses

The whole Madchester, Hacienda scene was brilliant, right? And the Stones Roses were, and remain, the coolest group ever. Trouble is, your kids haven’t the benefit of being all pilled up and sweaty in some dingy indie club and will just wonder why Ian Brown excitedly shouts out of tune in the chorus of ‘I Am The Resurrection’, and why the instrumental ending to ‘Fools Gold’ has to last for about two weeks.