Sunday, 7th June 2020

Five ways to put off going to the toilet

YOUR body might be telling you it urgently needs to go to the bathroom, but sometimes it’s just too much hassle. Here’s how to put it off like the lazy bastard you are.  

Concentrate on the TV

You’re five minutes into Force 10 from Navarone when your realise your own Force 10 has brewed in your underpants. However if you focus on the film you can put it off for at least an hour, albeit an hour of discomfort and farting.

Make forced conversation

When out shopping it’s a nightmare finding a public toilet for a wee. Instead distract yourself from your painfully ‘full tank’ by talking incessantly to your partner. Alternatively rabbit on to shop assistants who will wonder why you keep twitching nervously like a shoplifter.

Work frantically

If the office toilet is too far away, take your mind off your aching bladder by typing so fast you look like a concert pianist playing Rachmaninoff. For some reason this can cause the urge to urinate to pass entirely, until it returns with a vengeance and you have to sprint to the bogs.

Go back to sleep

There’s no point getting all the way out of bed for a piss when you’re so cosy, so ignore it until you drop off again. WARNING: If you start having vivid, enjoyable dreams about relieving yourself, bad things may be happening.

Clench everything

If you’re doing an exercise class and it’s too much fuss to excuse yourself, prevent a bowel movement by clenching your entire body as if being tortured with electric shocks. However it is important not to lose concentration or you might not be invited back to that class again.